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When ELV lies around his humble abode thinking of things he loathes, many things come to mind, including:

- cupcakes,

- country music,

- people who are intolerant of other cultures,

- the Dutch,

- the novels of Jane Austen,

- men who wear shorts in public, and

- reality TV.

But most of all, he thinks about how much he hates sandwich shops.

Especially sandwich shops that want to franchise themselves selling “wraps,” “fresh made ingredients,” “pastas,” and “wholesome” this or that…when anyone with a sixth grade education knows everything is purchased from U. S. Foods or Sysco — and is packaged in such a way to get secretaries, soccer moms, hipsters and the biker crowd to mindlessly pay for pre-packaged dreck because they think they’re eating “light” and “healthy.”

Sandwich shops are loathsome creatures deserving opprobrium on a universal scale — fattening frauds masquerading as healthy alternatives to overeating.  We’ve had so many bad experiences over the years that when we see the words “salads, pastas and wraps” we get a case of the heebie jeebies.

You want a good sandwich? Make it at home. You want slimy meat and stale baked goods? Go to any place advertising “soups, salads, sandwiches and wraps.”

Case in point: Rachel’s Kitchen. Perennially packed with the iPod and Bluetooth crowd, chattering and clicking away while robotically ingesting sandwich “creations” with all of the soul of a spreadsheet. This is food as fuel and nothing else, and on that level it does the job the way all sandwich shops do — by combining pre-made provisions in familiar ways at cheap prices to appeal to customers who think about food the same way they do about washing their clothes. Sandwich shops depend on this “food is only fuel” crowd to fill their coffers, and daily besmirch a holy creation.

Case in point #2: Rachel’s unsmoked,  “smoked” pressed turkey sandwich — one bite of which told us all we needed to know about this filling station of a lunch spot.

Case in point #3: One chipped tooth on our hard-as-a-rock chocolate chip* cookie — which told us all we needed to know about this franchise-seller.

You have been warned.

RACHEL’S KITCHEN

3330 South Hualapai Dr.

Las Vegas, NV 89117

702.459.6789

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* Giving new meaning to the name.