You think it’s easy being The World’s Greatest Restaurant Critic?*

Well, here is ELV’s schedule for Bon Appetit Presents Vegas Uncork’d for the next three days.

Going through it, ask yourself: “How much of this kind of fun could I take before seeking refuge in my footie pajamas and a bowl of Cheerios?”

THURSDAY MAY 7, 2009

Thursday 10:00 AM — Kick Off Event — Chefs For Three Square at Three Square Food Bank

WHO: Miss USA 2009 Kristen Dalton and more than 20 culinary all-stars including:
· Anthony Amoroso, MICHAEL MINA at Bellagio
· Akira Back, YELLOWTAIL Sushi Restaurant & Bar at Bellagio
· Paul Bartolotta, BARTOLOTTA Ristorante di Mare at Wynn Las Vegas
· Carlos Buscaglia, FiAMMA at MGM Grand
· Cat Cora, Bon Appétit Executive Chef and Iron Chef
· Rene Lenger, THE COUNTRY CLUB at Wynn Las Vegas
· Rick Moonen, RM SEAFOOD at Mandalay Bay
· Bradley Ogden, BRADLEY OGDEN at Caesars Palace
· Carla Pellegrino, RAO’S at Caesars Palace
· Megan Romano, AUREOLE at Mandalay Bay

WHERE: Three Square Food Bank
4190 N. Pecos Rd.
Las Vegas, NV 89115

Thursday 11:30 AM -2:30 PM: Lunch with chefs to celebrate the kick-off (probably at Los Molecajetes).

Thursday 3:00 PM-5:00 PM: Nap, sober up, change into appropriate evening wear.

Thursday 5:00 PM-6:00 PM: Vegas Uncork’d Kick Off Cocktail Party at PURE Nightclub with Barbara Fairchild and Oscar (Mayer) Goodman.

Thursday 7:00 PM-10:00 PM: Dinner at Guy Savoy (while somehow making the rounds to all other dinners within Caesars Palace — Bradley Ogden, Rao’s, Payard, Mesa Grill – to shake hands and pay respects to chefs, patrons and food writers alike).

Thursday 10:00 PM-11:30 PM: Hit PURE Nightclub in Caesars for Chefs For Three Square Party featuring Cat Cora, Kerry Simon, Bobby Flay et al….

Thursday 11:30 PM-1:30 AM: Over to MGM and L’Atelier de Joel Robuchon for Chef Robuchon’s Theater In The Kitchen presentation.

FRIDAY MAY 8, 2009

Friday 9:00 AM-10:00 AM: Business meeting with Uncork’d and Bon Appetit folks.

Friday 10:00 AM-!0:30 AM: Interview with local TV station at Bellagio.

Friday 10:30 AM-11:30 AM: Panelist on Culinary Conversations-The French Connection with Alan Richman and Barbara Fairchild as we talk with the greatest French chefs in the world: Alain Ducasse, Guy Savoy, Daniel Boulud, et al…

Friday 12:00 PM-2:00 PM: Private lunch with panelists at miX. (Something tells ELV the food’s gonna be absolutely amazing.)

Friday 3:00 PM-5:00 PM: Somehow figure out a way to attend uber-pastry babe Sarah Kosikowski’s Pastry Seminar at the Bellagio and uber-cocktail dude Steve Olsen’s Cocktails and Cuisine presentation at Wynn at the same time.

Friday 6:00 PM-7:00 PM: Chug four Diet Red Bulls.

Friday 7:00 PM-10:00 PM: Attend Grand Tasting at the Caesars Palace Pool. Hobnob ass off.

Friday 10:00 PM- (?): Play** Celebrity Chef Blackjack at the Encore Pool.

Friday night (Saturday morning at somewhere between 2-4:00 AM): Collapse into bed in footie pajamas with bowl of Cheerios.

SATURDAY MAY 9, 2009

Saturday 9:00 AM-10:30 AM: Breakfast with uber-food writer Alan Richman and uber-pr-guy Ken Langdon at a place to be named later.

Saturday 10:30AM-11:30 AM: Panelist on Farm To Table seminar at Bellagio featuring Barbara Fairchild, Andrew (I’m not a rock star I just look like one) Knowlton, Rick Moonen, Bradley Ogden, and Paul Bartolotta.

Saturday Noon-2:30 PM: All Star Interactive Luncheon at Wynn.

Saturday 3:00 PM-5:30 PM: Judge both gastronomic smackdowns at MGM Grand for the Caesars Palace v. MGM Grand and Mandalay Bay v. Wynn/Encore Culinary Challenges featuring David (Meatman) Walzog and Carlos Guia v. Rick (Fishboy) Moonen and Adam Sobel, and Todd Williams and Ryan Ososky v. Mary Sue (Too Hot) Milliken and Carlos Buscaglia. We’re not sure what’ll be better: the food, the competition, or listening to Cat Cora narrate and Alan Richman kvetch throughout the whole thing…

Saturday 7:00 PM-10:00 PM: Gala Dinner at Bellagio.

Saturday 10:30 PM-1:00 AM: After Hours With David Foster and Friends at RM Seafood.

SUNDAY MAY 10, 2009

Sunday 1:00 AM-(?): After-Party with French chefs in 70′ white stretch limo to sample buffets at Treasures, Cheetah’s, Spearmint Rhino, etc….(Just kidding, but hey! It could happen.)

Sunday (Mother’s Day) 2:00 PM-3:00 PM: Nurse hangover at Aureole with Megan Romano’s spectacular Chocolate, Bubbles and Ice-A Decadent Slice Of Heaven (Mom would be proud).

Yes, it’s a marathon of good eating and drinking and kibbitzing with the stars of the culinary world, but just like Michael Phelps at the Olympics, ELV has trained his whole life for this.

Be there or be Three Square!

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* Self-proclaimed, but also (we hope) heartily endorsed as such by this gal sometime tomorrow.

** ELV uses the word “play” loosely…gambling being one of the few vices (smoking the other) he doesn’t have.