ELV note: The author claims he has been following the PGA Tour since 1966 and once sported a solid 10 handicap. He also said he once shared a smoke with Tom Watson, and played a round with Raymond Floyd — who didn’t bother speaking or looking at anyone for four straight hours. We at ELV think it only appropriate to re-publish it on the first day of that most elitist (and whitest) tournament in the world: The Masters.
THE HATERS GUIDE TO GOLF
By Seymour Dubsdread
Ah yes. It’s springtime. When a white man’s fancy turns to…..golf?
Yeah, fucking golf. The only racist/sexist “sport” left that gives old, rich white guys a chubby the same way a large caliber firearm does a redneck. If you’re the sort that gets misty-eyed every time you hear Jim “Whitebread” Nantz give a hummer to the Chairman of Augusta National (behind the lush dogwoods and flowering azaleas, of course) , stop reading now.
But if you see the sport for what it is: a bought and paid for playground for plutocrats in bad pants, then read on. You might be amused.
Why do we hate golf so much, let us count the ways. To begin with there’s…
Golf coaches/Golf gurus/Golf psychologists
Johnnie Carson once asked Winnie (Mrs. Arnold) Palmer:
JC: “How do you get Arnold ready for a big tournament?”
WP: “I wish him luck and kiss his balls.”
JC: “I bet that straightens his putter out.”
These days, you will find lots of balls being licked on the PGA Tour, and two types of people on every driving range of every professional golf tournament in the world – the guys actually playing, and a legion of coaches, flacks, swing doctors, life coaches, Zen masters and gurus of every stripe — all there ostensibly to help the players groove their swing and get in the right mind-set to “compete at the highest level.” You know what none of these frauds and charlatans can do? Actually swing the club for the player in the tournament.
You know who never had a golf coach or “sports psychologist” beside them through every stroke of their career? Hmmm, lets see….
Every golfer who ever lived named Tom Morris
…not to mention:
Walter Hagen Jr.
Dr. Cary Middlecoff
…just to name a few.
Of course, whatever stupid, overpaid, over-coddled “athletes” do with their spare time and money is their own business, but it’s a testament to how corporate, wimpy and overstuffed pro golf has become that an entire cottage industry has developed around supposedly helping them win.
You wanna know how to win at golf? Be good at it already and practice. Alone. A lot. Because when you’re standing over an iron shot or crucial putt on the 72nd hole, there ain’t gonna be anyone there to talk to but yourself. And even if there were, none of them can tell you how hard to hit it.