Archive for the ‘Events’
When you’re a human cartoon, it’s tough to be taken seriously.
When your pedigree springs from the louche environs of UNLV and the middle-brow banality of Johnny Garlic’s (not to mention those dens of sophistication: Sacramento, Santa Rosa and San Jose, et al, (wherein this franchise fits like stretch pants on a soccer mom), serious gastronomes consider your cooking (if they consider it at all) unworthy of their time or calories.
ELV note: The author claims he has been following the PGA Tour since 1966 and once sported a solid 10 handicap. He also said he once shared a smoke with Tom Watson, and played a round with Raymond Floyd — who didn’t bother speaking or looking at anyone for four straight hours. We at ELV think it only appropriate to re-publish it on the first day of that most elitist (and whitest) tournament in the world: The Masters.
THE HATERS GUIDE TO GOLF
By Seymour Dubsdread
Ah yes. It’s springtime. When a white man’s fancy turns to…..golf?
Yeah, fucking golf. The only racist/sexist “sport” left that gives old, rich white guys a chubby the same way a large caliber firearm does a redneck. If you’re the sort that gets misty-eyed every time you hear Jim “Whitebread” Nantz give a hummer to the Chairman of Augusta National (behind the lush dogwoods and flowering azaleas, of course) , stop reading now.
But if you see the sport for what it is: a bought and paid for playground for plutocrats in bad pants, then read on. You might be amused.
Why do we hate golf so much, let us count the ways. To begin with there’s…
Golf coaches/Golf gurus/Golf psychologists
Johnnie Carson once asked Winnie (Mrs. Arnold) Palmer:
JC: “How do you get Arnold ready for a big tournament?”
WP: “I wish him luck and kiss his balls.”
JC: “I bet that straightens his putter out.”
These days, you will find lots of balls being licked on the PGA Tour, and two types of people on every driving range of every professional golf tournament in the world – the guys actually playing, and a legion of coaches, flacks, swing doctors, life coaches, Zen masters and gurus of every stripe — all there ostensibly to help the players groove their swing and get in the right mind-set to “compete at the highest level.” You know what none of these frauds and charlatans can do? Actually swing the club for the player in the tournament.
You know who never had a golf coach or “sports psychologist” beside them through every stroke of their career? Hmmm, lets see….
Every golfer who ever lived named Tom Morris
…not to mention:
Walter Hagen Jr.
Dr. Cary Middlecoff
…just to name a few.
Of course, whatever stupid, overpaid, over-coddled “athletes” do with their spare time and money is their own business, but it’s a testament to how corporate, wimpy and overstuffed pro golf has become that an entire cottage industry has developed around supposedly helping them win.
You wanna know how to win at golf? Be good at it already and practice. Alone. A lot. Because when you’re standing over an iron shot or crucial putt on the 72nd hole, there ain’t gonna be anyone there to talk to but yourself. And even if there were, none of them can tell you how hard to hit it.
If you can’t beat ‘em join ‘em.
Yep, food fans, it’s true. After a year of teeth-gnashing, conference calls and caterwauling, Anthony Curtis, Al Mancini and ELV issued a joint press release yesterday announcing that EATING LAS VEGAS – The 50 Essential Restaurants would be sold to Yelp in order to facilitate the publishing of a new 2015 edition and expand the brand.
ELV: Now that the University of Louisville has suffered a (select one: bonecrushing, gut-wrenching, ego-deflating, gonad-shriveling) defeat at the hands of hated Kentucky, ELV is barely able to crawl out of bed this morning. Those of you still interested in the (select one: stupid, juvenile, overrated, sophomoric, commercial-driven, corrupt, made-for-television freak show) NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament might want to watch this….but what’s the point? ELV is retiring to his hovel with a bag of Cheetos and a quart of Maker’s Mark for the day. That is all.
SAVORING THE SWEET 16
(Best Sports Bars)
Pizza Rock – 201 N. 3rd Street
Todd English P.U.B. – Aria Hotel and Casino
Aces and Ales – 3470 S. Nellis Blvd.
Steiner’s – Multiple locations
Lagasse Stadium – Palazzo Hotel and Casino
Hold on to your most radical of hats, bros and broettes, firmly by the brim, and make that red sucker turn a three-sixty, then another 120 degree turn, COUNTER clockwise! Yeah, that’s right, screw time! That’s a concept we won’t be needing where we’re going, which is NOW.
Be there or be Three Square!
ELV’s Top Picks for Restaurant Week:
1) Eiffel Tower Restaurant – $30.14 Lunch
2) Buddy V’s – $20.14 Lunch; $30.14 Dinner
3) Delmonico – $30.14 Lunch
4) MOzen Bistro – $30.14 Lunch; $40.14 Dinner
5) Morel’s Steakhouse & Bistro - $20.14 Breakfast; $30.14 Lunch; $50.14 Dinner
Lawry’s The Prime Rib
Rick Moonen’s Rm Seafood
Verandah – Four Seasons Hotel
Stewart+Ogden – The Grand Hotel Downtown
Hank’s Fine Steaks and Martinis at Green Valley Ranch Resort
Bar + Bistro
ELV update: Since posting this review, we’ve returned to 1900 Asian Cuisine twice and encountered laughably poor service on both occasions, as documented in our “Letters of the Month-Hospitality Hell” post above. (It was atrocious even as measured against the relatively low bar set by ethnic Chinese restaurants in general.) As a result of these unfortunate experiences — ranging from a non-existent waitstaff to half our order being unavailable or forgotten about — we can no longer recommend the restaurant. For the masochists among you, read on and let us know if things change.
In celebration of the Year of the Horse, we at ELV thought we’d do a little celebrating of our own by proclaiming the the new holder of the coveted “Best Chinese Restaurant in Town” title.
In Italy, the whole country is a theatre and the worst actors are on the stage. – George Bernard Shaw
Dario Cecchini and Faith Willinger are two Italians of a different stripe.
Cecchini — the Master Butcher/Intellectual of Panzano – has been called the world’s best butcher. (“To beef, or not to beef?” is his rallying cry.*)
Willinger is a born-again Italian who has spent 35 years exploring Italy, from its Alps to Sicily, searching for the best food this giant, slurp-worthy isthmus of eatability has to offer. (“Good wine and bad wine have the same amount of calories.” is one of her sayings.)
And let me tell you my friends, you can do a lot worse in an evening than sharing a ginormous bistecca a la Fiorentina:
…with these two mavens of meat at a ristorante. In this case that ristorante was CUT last Thursday night — where they both were on hand to kick off the Venetian/Palazzo’s Italian Food Festival.
Cecchini was his usual ebullient self:
….in fact he (along with some ginger friend of his in orange clogs):
….practically defines the term.
And we bonded with Faith (a lady whose guidebooks we would never think of going to Italy without) like we were old friends in a matter of minutes:
Yeah, Italians, born-again or otherwise, are like that.
Just about the friendliest people on earth.
* To beef! …and then not to beef… is his answer.