Sushi Burritos Are a Bad Joke

As near as we can tell, the whole “sushi burrito thing” started a few years ago. (Pardon us for not being more precise, but we give gimmicky food the same degree of attention we pay to another person’s hemorrhoids.)

The first one we ever ate was at a well-regarded Chinatown spot that featured them on a “special burrito menu.”  We ordered a couple for a table of three hungry guys. What came out could’ve fed five NFL linemen.

Each was thicker than your fist, half as long as your forearm:

….and packed with a jumble of ingredients that ended up all tasting like the same slop. They were impossible to bite into and a mess in the mouth, not to mention the table.

“Absolute shit,” we thought to ourselves. “Who in the fuck likes these?”

Everyone, it turns out. People can’t get enough of these alimentary abortions. There are even entire blogs devoted to them.

“I really like them,” say our Facebook friends.

No, you don’t. You just like the fact that it’s cheap and filling. And the fact that someone had enough sense to smother all of that shit with enough sauce to make you think you’re getting something “tasty.”

“Have you tried the ones at Hung Far Too Lo’s MexiCal Sushi Shop, Massage Den and Burrito Factory? They’re really good!”

No, they’re not.

“I make a good one,” insists the owner of Pablo’s Foo King Fish and Taco Parlor.

No, you don’t. You’re just re-packaging shitty fish and cut-rate proteins by surrounding them with a ton of cheap-ass rice, cheap-ass rice paper, or cheap-ass seaweed.

And what do you get inside all that cheap-ass starch?

Shit fish, fake crab, Sysco meat, and sriracha.

And avocados. Boy, do sushi burrito sellers LOVE avocados.

“Ooooo, but I really like Jaburritos,” you say.

Do you know why you say that? Because you’re a fucking idiot. A brain-dead eating slut who goes wherever some fucked up eating fashion tells you to go. Or a Yelp whore who just wants to be filled up with crap while thinking it’s somehow cool or (god forbid) good for you. Because, you know, sushi is healthy and shit.

In many ways, sushi burritos are the ultimate American food: an amalgam of excess rolled in a marketing device.

Sushi burritos are indefensible as a foodstuff. And you’re an asshole if you eat one.

Fucking Millenials.

End of rant.

8 thoughts on “Sushi Burritos Are a Bad Joke

  1. Thanks Jon for reporting on this shitty , pathetic trend… they also are super cheap to build out no need for a hood or range or oven..
    Check out the other new trend Poke restaurants / bars. Chipotle w fish. Slightly better than burritos but not much.

    Please revisit yonaka ASAP.. and rip them a new one.
    I have been 20 plus times. 2 nights ago I saw all new employees, a super slimmed and dumbed down menu… awful service, horrible cuts of halibut sashimi. Less daikon with sashimi, scrawny tea brined ribs, they are blowing it.. it is so sad..

  2. ELV responds: Thanks for the support Kathy d, but as to Yonaka, we were there a week ago and had a wonderful meal.They know me of course, but everything was as good as I remember from a year ago. Did see a lot of new employees, though. Will have to see what some other of our stringers say….

  3. I have been going to Yonaka for at least once a month for the last year and a half and most of our visit are nothing short of stellar. Never seen them with a slimmer menu. My son likes going there because they always have something new on their menu.

  4. Ouch. Planning to hit Yonaka for the first time in two weeks. Folks please post more on this.

  5. Thank you John for another great read. Being a chef most of my life I highly appreciate restaurants who are courageous enough to make a difference in our community like Kabuto, Raku, Yonaka, Le pho, and Japaniero to name a few. Its very sad to think that foodie trends like sushi burritos continue to strive while good restaurants like David Clawson shuts its door after only a year.

  6. Went to Yonaka yesterday for the first time with some friends and the food didn’t disappoint. By far one of the best places to eat in Las Vegas.

  7. Yonaka has remained the best neighborhood sushi/asian fusion place around. Was there last week and the food and service were terrific, as usual.

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