We at ELV don’t like to pick on the little guy.

But sometimes we feel as if we have to as a public service,

As Greeks, we don’t like to pick fights with Turks, either.

But sometimes, they deserve it.

Take Maza Mediterranean Grill and Lounge for instance — a new Turkish enterprise that replaced a succession of lame-ass Greek joints at the corner of Sahara and Rainbow.

We were cruising and craving something Middle Eastern or Mediterranean recently, and there it was, right in front of us.

“How bad could it be?” we thought to ourselves, knowing that when done well, Turks do this food better than my homies.

Little did we know what we were in for.

As we were seated, two menus were handed us: one a multi-paged laminated number with all sorts of enticing pictures of delectable Turkish items, and another, single laminated page, labeled as “Fresh Made From Stone Oven”:

Naturally, we went straight for the first thing at the top of the page of the “Special” menu, a lahmacun, or spicy ground beef-or-lamb-adorned Turkish flatbread:

…one of the most popular Turkish dishes in the world.

“This looks great, let’s get one,” exclaimed The Food Gal®. (Little did she know this has long been one of my favorite dishes in the world, having first experienced it in a Turkish neighborhood in Paris (France, not Missouri), way back in the early 90s.

An anguished look came over our waitress’ face as we place our order.

She disappeared without saying a word.

She reappeared a minute later.

“We don’t have that,” she said.

We looked at her, puzzled.

“We’re out of that,” she continued. “We’re out of ground beef.”

It was Saturday night. At 6:00 o’clock.

We then tried to order the Feta Cheese Pide, also from the above menu.

“We don’t have that, either,” she apologized – this time without having to speak with the chef.

That was when my gut began to sink.

But seated we were, right next to the kitchen (more on this in a minute), so onward we toiled, trying to find something to eat.

I grabbed the thicker menu and quickly perused the appetizers, now hungrier and more annoyed than ever.

“How about these?” I queried, jabbing at the picture of  stuffed grape leaves — called sarma in Turkish — on the main card.

“We don’t have those, either,” she deadpanned.

Now it was a pitched battle. I could either leave in a huff or play 20 questions with her.  Neither of which was a good idea, because, did I mention, WE WERE HUNGRY FOR SOME TURKISH FOOD!?!

But it was ON, baby! Full contact menu jujitsu, each of us eyeballing the other like Clint Eastwood and Eli Wallach at a showdown.

I’d start to point, and she would start to speak. I’d bob and she’d weave. “How about….this?” or “What about….that?” I’d ask, each time scouring her face for a hint of approval or glint of disappointment.

Finally, after a minute of this exertion, my finger inched towards some borek (cheese-stuffed phyllo appetizer) that seemed to elicit a fragment of a smile from the look of permanent resignation that seemed etched upon her face.

“We’ll have these.” And so we did, and pretty good they were:

The menu description said braised lamb stew over silky eggplant puree, but what we received tasted not of lamb, but of some nondescript, boiled-to-death meat atop a gummy, sticky stew with the consistency of unseasoned phlegm without the flavor.

 Being gluttons for punishment, we ordered the baklava — very different from Greek baklava (less phyllo, not as sweet) but, when fresh made, perhaps even better. These were too cold, store bought, and obviously right from the freezer.

 For our petit four course, we were treated with several shouts of “What the fuck are you doing” coming from the (unseen, presumed) chef to some member of the harried, well-meaning, but amateurish staff. Such are the joys of being seated right next to the kitchen in a Mediterranean restaurant. (I told you we’d get back to our seating arrangement.)

To be fair, for all we know, Maza could have the best Doner kebabs and pide in town. But after this debacle, we’re not going to return to find out.

Because you only get one chance to make a first impression.

Our meal for two came to $44 and we left a $10 tip.

MAZA MEDITERRANEAN GRILL AND LOUNGE

2550 South Rainbow (Rainbow and Sahara)

Las Vegas, NV 89146

702.612.0050

http://mazalv.com/

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>><<<<<<<<<<<

ELV Afterthought: The last time I gave a bad review to a Turkish restaurant (in 2009) this site received 50 comments (a record), most of them telling us how full of shit we were. (And those were the nice ones.) The restaurant (something called IPO) didn’t last a year, which is a shame because we love Turkish food, and wish one would open that had a clue.