Dear ELV,
My wife and I have a 1 year-old little girl. Occasionally, we get a babysitter and are able to dine without the wee one. However, more likely is that we’ll have her in tow with us. This is especially true if we’re traveling. My question to you is how does one judge whether or not it is appropriate to bring a child into a restaurant. Some restaurants are obvious, but there are plenty of places that aren’t clearly fine dining. My rule of thumb so far has been to simply call and ask. Of course, you’re a bit removed from such experiences, but I still assume that you have an opinion on the subject since you seem to have an opinion on most things.
P.S. If you haven’t been, you should check out the Baguette Cafe. It’s a pleasant place with delicious yuppie sandwiches.
Thanks,
Perplexed-Yet-Parental Paul
ELV responds:
Dear PP,
As a reformed yuppie, ELV is well known for his position that all children should be kept in well-guarded, solitary confinement cages… at least until the age of ten. Even then, letting them out of the house is a crap-shoot. What if they get molested or kidnapped, or even worse, interfere with MY ENJOYMENT of my meal?
The proper thing to do is to feed them through a small portal in a room filled with toys and distractions…and hire a full-time nanny to clean up whatever unseemly mess they create — in their pants or elsewhere. It’s a MEDICAL FACT that children don’t do well in adult situations, and should be kept out of sight* and out of mind to all except the fornicators who bred them in the first place.
If you’re one of those rude, inconsiderate people who insist on foisting your spawn upon an unsuspecting public, and have no sympathy for restaurateurs who would rather be discussing the relative merits of Burgundy versus Bordeaux, rather than deal with miniature, illiterate humans who have snot and creamed corn running down their face, we have a few suggestions:
– Eat in empty restaurants — that way you and your spouse can revel in your precious Brittaeynie’s filth without disturbing anyone, and let’s face it, your hellion-in-training won’t give a pink-haired, tokidoki Barbie how bad the food is.
– Eat lunch around 10:30 am and dinner at 3:30 pm — the times when Guy Savoy, Joël Robuchon, and Alain Ducasse LOVE to have les bébés in their restaurants.
– Look for highchairs. (There is a direct, mathematical correlation between the visibility of highchairs in a particular establishment and its receptivity to children. But be also aware of the ELV Booster Seat Postulate that has SCIENTIFICALLY PROVEN that the quality of the food is inversely proportional to the number of booster seats/highchairs you see near the front door. This applies to people’s homes as well.)
– Eat a lot of Asian and Mexican. (For some inexplicable reason, foreigners in these two, unruly groups actually enjoy the company of noisy, snot-nosed, creamed-corn-loving brats.)
– Move to Italy. (Amazingly, even in the fanciest Roman restaurants, pesto-smeared bambinos are EVERYWHERE.)
Barring those solutions, there’s not a lot we can help you with. But perhaps our loyal readers — the ones that aren’t pediaphobiacs anyway — have some suggestions.
Readers?
Misanthropically yours,
ELV
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* Especially in airplanes, where the problem is even worse. ELV’s rule of thumb is: if your child can comfortably fit in that thingee they use to size up carry-on luggage, it should be checked as baggage and picked up on the luggage carousel at wherever the hell you’re trying to take it.
I have always recommended that travelers to this tourist trap leave their children over at Kid Quest. There are locations in many of the Station casinos but also one close to The Strip inside the Palms.
The rugrats are safely confined in a wondrous playworld while the adults can go out alone and enjoy fine dining as it was meant to be.
Andy are you recomending leaving a 1 year old in an arcade?
Stick with the highchair rule. If they got em use em. If they don’t theres only about 8000 other restaurants to go to.
Ha! This isn’t precisely helpful, but it’s what I figured would come of it. The high chair rule is probably the most useful comment. I also think that loud restaurants are good choice as they drowned out the yelps of my small one. What I really want to know is if I can get away with taking her to Estarios Milos for the lunch special.
By the way, the Baguette Cafe is definitely baby friendly!
I think anything goes around lunchtime, Paul. It’s only dinner that I worry about. The high chair rule is a good one, also, anywhere you know that the service is efficient and fast. I’m always amazed when I go to a restaurant with the kids and our server decides to deal with us by pretending we aren’t there. If I were a sever and I had small children in my section, I would develop superhuman speed to get them out as fast as possible.
My 9 year old’s favorite meal is lunch at Milos – the salmon entree to be specific. My husband and I have been taking our children out to fairly nice restaurants for their entire lives (we don’t take them to the super nice places – it’s expensive, we save those for our nights out together, and they need to have something to look forward to as they age). I think the advice about going early and at off-hours is good. We have worked diligently at making our children behave at restaurants, meaning they are never allowed to clank silverware, bang toys against the table, scream, turn around and stare at the people at the table behind them, or demand walks around the establishment. We don’t go to restaurants when they are tired, cranky or sick. When they were younger we brought their crayons and coloring books so they could quietly entertain themselves and we were prepared with discreet snacks in case food did not arrive promptly. At times when they started to act up, they were immediately taken to the car until there was a promise to behave and we also threatened to leave them home with babysitters the next time. If they left extra crumbs, we tipped especially well but also tried to minimize the mess. When we dine with friends who do not have these rules, we have a discussion in the car with our kids on the way home about how different families have different rules, and they are not allowed to copy their friends. Despite all of the rules, my kids enjoy going out and we enjoy going with them.
JoNell’s advice is spot on! Now that my only child is 18 I feel much the same way JC feels ;-) But everything that JoNell says is the way to go. Prep early, expose them to “nice” settings in off hours, set boundaries and you will end up with a foodie on your hands!
At 6 my son was perfectly well behaved in Andre’s for the tasting menu and the staff was in “shock and awe” and complimented him (and us) on his behavior and his willingness to try everything. That’s the best reward a parent can have!
As an unreformed pediophobe, I’d like to thank Paul for caring to ask! Already he’s 1000 times better than most parents. Can I phrase my answer as a wish list? 1. If a middle class worker might have to save up for the meal, and it’s dinner, then baby screaming will likely make those people regret spending their dough at a nice place. Food is only part of the equation…atmosphere matters. 2. If you have a choice ask to sit near a door and away from the bar. This allows you an escape route to take the bambino outside for a cool down period if there’s a melt down. And away from the bar give those of us who really, really don’t want baby cries to interrupt our kvetching about politics, the walking dead, or what a jerk one’s boss is a chance to sit far away. :-)
And once again, Jonell solidifies her standing as One of the Best People in the World. I also want to thank parents when their kids are well behaved. It’s great for kids to be exposed to nice places and manners and I’m always very impressed with the parents when it doesn’t feel like there’s a torture circus in the place.
>Andy are you recomending leaving a 1 year old
>in an arcade?
Certainly not. But Kids Quest has a separate room specifically geared for infants as young as 6 months old.
PS: Just noticed that they no longer have a location inside the Palms, so there goes that bit of advice for travelers staying on the Strip.
I usually don’t mind kids in any restaraunt as long as they are happy and well behaved. It’s when they are obviously tired, cranky and fussing and the parents just sit there or try to appease them, that gets me. Not behaving? Off to the car with you!
There is a big difference between infants – age 4, and those kids 5+ who have fully and completely grasped the concept of: “This is a really nice restaurant where other people have come to have lovely lunch/dinner in a lovely setting and they don’t want to hear even a peep out of you or see you misbehaving in any way.”
Paul ~ Milos and restaurants like it will be around when your little one falls in the latter category, which will be sooner than you think, I promise. In the meantime, if you do insist on going to high-end restaurants with your baby/toddler, please consider that you will be inevitably seated next to people like me that are going to be VERY bummed that their special dinner (or lunch) out may be ruined at any time by unexpected crying/screaming/whining (or as you say, “yelping”) and/or your panicked attempts at fixing same.
I’ve actually eaten with ELV and my one year old at the time at marche Bacchus. All good.! The difference is we take our kids out….a lot. So they are used to it. Some advice:
1. Don’t leave a mess. Your server isnt a maid. If you do, tip big.
2. Go a little early. Little kids don’t eat dinner at 8pm at home so why go out at such a time?
3. Buy and bring an iPod or iPad with some downloaded kiddy shows. That will make them sit and hang out.
4. Don’t dilly dally when ordering. If your server thinks you have all night your in for a long one.
5. Don’t be an idiot. Even I wouldn’t take my kids to Le Cirque. It’s too expensive and lost on a toddler. Plus kids don’t eat food like that anyway so why waste the time and effort.
Nothing more annoying than a parent who does not control a poor behaving young’n…..
How about do not bring children to Las Vegas in the first place. Wait until they are teenager or even better (over 18) to bring them. Or have your parents/grandparents/aunt/uncle etc watch them for you and your husband for a long weekend. Vegas is for adults! Disney is a more family friendly place.
Whitney, Paul lives here. I live here. Other people with children live here. Do you think we should move away until they are 18? It’s a long drive to Disney when you just want to eat out for dinner.
We live here in the valley and we have always been able to take our children out for a nice meal, even when they were toddlers. They are currently nine and 10 years old and truly enjoy good food. I made lamb last night for dinner, which they love, and they even ate the marrow. They like clams, mussels, raw oysters, almost all types of fish. They like my coq au vin, osso bucco and dungeness crab. When we dine out, they order for themselves and speak directly to our waiter. Their favorite restaurants are Todd’s, and Bouchon. (Settebello is a close third.)
We have even taken them to Picasso.