MASTRIONI’S

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Generic Italian restaurants have about as much appeal to ELV as the National Finals Rodeo.

And for that last statement, we apologize to the NFR.

But into them (the restaurants not the rodeo) we trudge, expectations low, our banal barometer at the ready, hoping against hope that someone will have the passion and the talent to bring off food that, even in a tiny way, approximates what Rao’s dishes out night after night.

And night after night, in restaurant after restaurant, our worst fears and hackneyed hopes are confirmed and then dashed.

Exhibit # 379 – Mastrioni’s.

Sandy clams, gristly Bolognese and a seafood Arrabbiata drowning in red sauce make for a meal that is guaranteed to put our staff in a bad frame of mind.

Each left ELV muttering to himself: “What a waste of a nice looking restaurant.”

And confirmed three maxims ELV holds true to his heart: 1) Americans will eat anything on a noodle; 2) especially if it’s smothered in tomatoes and cheese; and 3) the reason Italian-American food is so popular is because it is the only “cuisine” in the world that can be done badly and still be edible.

Exhibit # 380 – The not-so-tasty-snaps above.

Thinking of going to Mastrioni’s? We’d recommend you hit the rodeo instead.

The meal you see above, with a single glass of almost off wine, came to $100 (including a $15 tip), and wouldn’t have been worth it at half the price.

MASTRIONI’S CAFE

3330 South Hualapai Way

Las Vegas, NV 89117-7716

702.367.7511

http://www.mastrioniscafe.com/

MOZEN Indian (Dots Not Feathers) Food

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We’re not saying MOzen’s Indian (dots not feathers) food is good, but every time Shawn Armstrong comes out of the kitchen to accept our accolades, we half expect him to be wearing a pagri and chanting his mantra.

No, this Indian food isn’t good….it’s real good. Maybe the best vindaloo we’ve ever had. Rich, deeply flavored and possessing a deep, residual heat the soothes rather than sears the back of your palate. The reason it’s so good, is because Houston-native Armstrong spent eleven years cooking various Southeast Asian cuisines in hotels throughout the region. ELV only wishes more native-Indian and Indian-American cooks shared his passion for this food.

Armstrong’s butter chicken (murgh mukhani)  — first seared in the tandoori — is a bit more gringo-friendly, but flavorful like you don’t get in many, generic Indian joints that use cheap groceries and churn out perfunctory versions of this standard.

Singapore stingray isn’t exactly from the sub-continent, but a spicy and fresh (almost Mexican) take on a food hawker standard from the land that was once described as “Disneyland with the death penalty.”

Both of these came with nutty and perfumed basmati rice that had us dropping our fork in appreciation.

By the way, the very non-Indian lettuce wedge with blue cheese dressing and house-cured bacon is pretty darn good too.

As were the desserts and the service.

About the only thing not to like about MOzen is the somewhat sterile, generic, beige decor. But the staff is so warm and friendly, and the grub so tasty, that pretty soon you look right past this minor flaw and concentrate on your plate…with an occasional glance down on the hoi polloi streaming into Crystals Mall.

As you do so, you’ll no doubt congratulate yourself for having the good taste to dine in Las Vegas’ best three-meal-a-day dining room.

And when you get the bill — with its 20% off for locals — you’ll feel great about the bargain you just got as well.

Great enough, in fact, to make a Hindu out of you.

The above meal with 2 $13 bottles of Pellegrino (whew!), came to $141.00 minus a $28 discount plus a $29 tip. In other words — $150.00 — for a mountain of food that ELV chowed down upon for two more days.

MOZEN BISTRO

In the Mandarin Oriental Hotel

3752 Las Vegas Blvd. South

Las Vegas, NV 89158

702.590.8888

http://www.mandarinoriental.com/lasvegas/dining/mozen_bistro/