If you don’t think bad manners and worse dressing are the rule rather than the exception in restaurants these days, then you haven’t been paying attention. So I thought a refresher course in dining do’s and dont’s might be in order for all of you gents (and ladies) who think un-tucked shirttails, baseball caps, visible anal floss and appetizingly demure tramp stamps are acceptable for the world to see in a nice restaurant.

Ladies of course, are also guilty of dressing like they’ve never seen a mirror, and, even when they’re lookin’ might fine, of letting boyfriends and husbands look like slobs when they go out to eat.

Regardless of attire, though, there are certain rules all of us should follow always. Therefore, a gentlemen should always:

-Make reservations;

-Go to the restroom before sitting down;

-Salt and pepper his food after tasting it….and in a truly fine restaurant - not at all.

-Arrive early when meeting a lady;

-Stand when a woman (other than a waitress) approaches;

-Know what he wants to eat within 3 minutes of receiving the menu - because nothing pegs you as a hopeless, metro-sexual weenie faster than ordering envy and menu indecisiveness;*

-Order after his guests do, and;

-Take up issues with food or service discreetly, and away from the table.

As for things a gentlemen should never do, the list is endless. But for starters, a gentlemen never:

-Drinks too much;

-Snaps his fingers or waves a breadstick to get a waitron’s attention;

-Asks a chef to alter his cooking;

-Wears shorts in public - except at the beach or golf course, and finally;

-A gentlemen never, ever criticizes the food, wine, or service to his dining companions. If you’re the host take up issues out of earshot of the table as noted above. If you’re a guest, keep quiet unless asked by your host. If you’re splitting the tab, talk about it away from the table.

If you ladies think you’re getting off with only those few words above - you were sorely mistaken. So pay attention, because a lady should always:

-Be interested in eating, if she agrees to go out to dinner;

-Keep her food allergies to herself;

-Treat the staff with respect, not as servants;

-Make a sincere effort to pick up the check, or at least the tip, on the second date;

-Be willing to try new wines, if she drinks wine;

-Eat only with vegans, if she’s a vegan;

-Know the difference between sexy and sexual. Sexy is a little black dress….but not too little. Sexual is butt-crack jeans and bodacious ta-ta’s. Sexual has no place in any restaurant….No matter how hot you think you are.

And finally, a few don’ts. A lady never:

-Takes more than 5 minutes to decide what to order;

-Pretends she’s not hungry;

-Orders spaghetti and meatballs in a French bistro;

-Gives her number to a bartender in the middle of a date; or,

-Pounds four Glennfidich 30 year old Scotches at the bar ($120) before passing out at the table after 3 bites of a seven course tasting menu ($110) at Le Cirque, after which she has to be propped up as she stumbles through the dining room while mumbling about how great the margaritas were that afternoon that she had by the Bellagio pool with her high roller(?) boyfriend who stuck me with the check.**

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* This rule does not apply to middle-aged restaurant critics suffering from a surfeit of testosterone.

** Bitter? Not me.

This week on KNPR-Nevada Public Radio (www.knpr.org), we continue our editorial on what should happen when unappetizing things (e.g. a piece of twisted metal) get found in your food. Instead of my usual witty and insightful bon mots, I allowed Steven “The Fat Guy” Shaw, John “Noodles” Mariani, and Alan “The Hitman” Richman to weigh in on this weighty subject, and the commentary consists of my mellifluous voice quoting and paraphrasing their opinions on the subject. In other words, Tom Sawyer-like, I convinced them to do my script writing for me. Pretty nifty, eh?

Click here to hear my weekly commentary on News 88.9 FM-Nevada Public Radio

Chefs generally have the attention span of a housefly.  They are the most peripatetic of creatures-ADD acolytes whose capacity for providing gastronomic pleasure is inversely proportional to their low threshold for boredom.  Thus have two prominent local chefs-Christophe Ithurrize (Marche Bacchus) and Jean-David Groff Daudet (Pamplemousse)- moved on, after less than a year at those venues-proving once again the accuracy of that aphorism and those observations.  Details of both partings are sketchy and will be provided as they become available.  In the meantime, we wish them well.  Wherever they land will be lucky to get them.

Five years ago, I used to joke that the cost of a big deal meal in Vegas would set you back a car payment. Now, it’s a house payment.

Is it worth it? Well, I must think so ‘cuz I’ve been paying the freight at the toughest tabs in town for over thirteen years (FYI: the dinero I make from all of my food writing/restaurant reviewing gigs doesn’t cover the tips I leave).

But when Steve Sebelius, Editor of Citylife magazine, asked me to do a pro-con debate with uber-hip-goth-jazz musician-turned-food-critic Al Mancini about the high cost of our town’s ultimate meals, I happily accepted the anti-stance, because for most people the enjoyment they’ll get out of dropping $800 for two at Robuchon or Guy Savoy will never be worth it….for them!

Click here to read our kitchen debate (tempest in a teapot?) over whether you get your money’s worth at Las Vegas’s premier restaurants.

Last week, the Chicago Board of Alderman abolished their absurd ban on the serving of fattened goose and duck livers. Coincidentally, Esquire Magazine’s John Mariani sent me his Nov. ‘07  Esquire article two days ago exploding all of the myths and stupidity surrounding this “controversial” foodstuff.

Click here to read Mariani’s article.

And if, after reading it, you still feel an uncontrollable urge to protest man’s inhumanity (sic) towards the animals we eat, I’d suggest starting with hamburgers and Chicken McNuggets.

Mezzo popped up out of nowhere a few months back (because let’s face it: north Rancho Road is the middle of restaurant nowhere), and has become an overnight sensation. That’s because it signals the return of Marcus Ritz,
chef extraordinaire, and for years the man behind the stoves at Marc’s on Buffalo at Lake Mead. That Marc’s is still Marc’s but it isn’t Marc’s if you get our drift. Mezzo is Marc’s, from the bone-in double cut pork chop “Chico,” to fresh pasta with Tuscan cream sauce, and a $15, kick ass chicken marsala, this place is seriously good at criminally cheap prices. Marc even does his own house-made sausage and deep-fried pizze dough with powdered sugar (for the Italian street fair lover in all of us).

Mezzo Bistro Italiano

4275 N. Rancho Rd.

Las Vegas, NV

702.944.8880

As of April 30, 2008 Bryan Ogden will no longer be top toque at Bradley Ogden. As justifiably renowned as pere Bradley is, it is son Bryan who has put and kept this restaurant at or near the top of must try Vegas restaurants for the past five years. His ever changing menus of intricate, but accessible American food has never failed to astonish even the most jaded gourmand, and no matter what spin Caesars Palace tries to put on his leaving, this place will never be quite the same. Now he heads for SoCal to the land of swimming pools, movie stars, big egos and bad manners. We wish him well, and we will miss him.

Click to hear my final tribute to Bryan on KNPR Nevada Public Radio

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No salad in the history of civilization is more bastardized than the the mighty Caesar-whose true name is a Caesar’s Salad. For a serious taste of this salad’s history, and to taste some serious salad, click on this link to my recent article in Desert Companion about what made (and makes) the original recipe so great.

Read Article Here (pdf)

The Chef photo shoot at the Vegas Sign. Album of all photos.

Just the Chefs, image slideshow: