A target-rich environment?

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Yes, but one that wants separate checks.

Eating Las Vegas knows not if the clippy cloppy-heeled crowd help a hotel’s bottom line…but on any given weekend evening, the third floor of The Cosmopolitan is crawling with them. Strolling through there last Saturday night, we counted no less than eight tables of six or more young women at Jaleo — all dressed astonishingly alike — celebrating something or other with those high-pitched cackles and shrieks in which they can’t help but communicate.

Were he twenty years younger, ELV would’ve considered it a target-rich environment, but at his age, all he could do is feel sorry for the waitstaff.

Jerry Rice and Stephen Hopcraft

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The GOAT (Greatest Of All Time) meets one great steak chef

ELV is neither a jock sniffer nor a star f*cker. Any obsession over what someone else is doing — be it winning a Super Bowl or American Idol — seems to us to be an enormous waste of time. However, in our youth, we were huge sports fans — Johnny Unitas, Arnold Palmer and The Great One were our heroes growing up — and we followed the Baltimore Colts and Pittsburgh Pirates religiously right up until the Colts snuck out of Baltimore in the dead of night, and Willie Stargell (our second favorite Pirate of all time) retired.

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Anthony John Curtas (born Antonis Yanni Cutsumpas – Feb. 10, 1926-Feb. 3, 2006) — The Official Father of ELV — had only a six months left on this mortal vale when we recorded this tribute to him on Father’s Day 2004. It gives you some insight into A. J. Curtas (as he was known), and also into our upbringing in restaurants — a three minute tour of the eating experiences in the 1960s that inspired us.

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ELV note: A serious crash of our main computer over the weekend has put a serious dent in Eating Las Vegas’ ability to post any pictures or articles for the next few days.

We at ELV are hopeful the site will be back to normal by Wednesday…but until then, our loyal readers (and you know who you are) will have to content themselves with mining our archives for the pearls of palatable prose and gastronomic gold for which we are known.

ELV apologizes for the inconvenience.

She weighs barely 8 stones, has the smoothest, whitest, prettiest skin we’ve ever seen, a sweet as cherry pie disposition, hardly drinks, never overeats, and possesses the cutest little button nose you’ll ever fall in love with….but boy, she snores more than a drunken sailor in a Cartegena whorehouse.

For this reason, we’re going on our two mile run* extra early this Sunday morning.

“Run,” of course, is just a figure of speech. It’s more like a slow trot. But it’s the reason ELV, though hardly svelte, doesn’t resemble Mr. Creosote. Our goal is to drop 10 lbs. in the next couple of months…but The Food Gal®, deep in her slumber, probably has fantasies more along these lines.

Everybody get in your seat, you make me nervous when you’re on your feet

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ELV has been looking for new staff persons of late.

The first candidate may dress a bit formally, but he’s been looking for work ever since his doppelganger went to that big burrito in the sky.

This guy may need a fashion lesson, but ELV will try to ignore his obvious short (and long-) comings, since he promised to supply the ELV worksite/man cave with quality additional employees.

Many thanks to Jay Louis aka db1 at www.hotchickswithdouchebags.com for assisting us in our never ending quest for exceptionally sexy personnel.

Yeah, summer is here and we at ELV hate it.

We hate it because we go off our feed, red wine tastes like sh*t in 110 degree weather, we look pretty ridiculous in the barely-there clothes we’re forced to wear, and leaving our office, or our dark, cool man-cave, for any kind of outdoor activity, makes us feel like an Egyptian galley slave.

So in the spirit of the season, we thought we’d post a video that sums up our feelings about the lousiest time of year around here:

As the worst President in the history of America once said: Let me make this perfectly clear: Eating Las Vegas has enormous respect for the job Heidi Knapp Rinella does at the Review Journal. She is a good writer who is stuck with editors who are stuck in 1982.

We thought our little piece of satirical conversation posted yesterday made that clear.

If it didn’t, we are sorry.

We are also sorry not to have recognized the enormous, colossal, prodigious and Herculean effort that our good buddy Norm! undertook in giving constant coverage to the Vegas Uncork’d events last weekend. Our dig at the lack of food and restaurant coverage was in no way intended as a swipe at him or his super-charged social media-making, that brought immense attention to the festivities.

It was, however, a pointed dig at the consistent lack of interest the R-J Editorial Staff takes in anything related to one of the few world class things Vegas has to be proud of (besides an imploded housing market, valet parking and computerized slot machines).

If anyone took it any other way, we regret the misunderstanding.

As someone (we think it was us) once said: As a satirist, ELV is a great restaurant critic.

ELV ain’t no arch-ee-teck, but no matter how many times we walk past this sculpture (…usually on our way to Brasserie Puck or Mastro’s Ocean Club):

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…we stop and look at it…

…and it never gets old.

And it makes us think.

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