This Just In: ELV Spreading Rumors, Settling Scores and Set to Salaciously Sip
Item: Honey Salt Expanding Empire.
As predicted on these pages over a year ago, the entrepreneurs behind Summerlin’s Honey Salt are set to open two new stores in northwest Las Vegas. If our sources are correct, one will be called Honey Q and will be taking over the old Hops & Harvest space. (Good luck with that.) The other, we hear, will be called Honey Salt Steak and will be located in the new Red Rock Mall. (Another steakhouse in Vegas? What an original idea?)
Here’s hoping all this brand-expansion doesn’t result in another episode of “Honey, I Shrunk the Profits.”
Item: ELV continues to feel immense sadness for Kerry Simon and Max Jacobson. (But refuses to appear on a red carpet with “celebrities” to show he cares.)
We at ELV were interviewed last week (by Norm! and Fox 5) about rumors that we had been banned from certain restaurants because we dared to criticize those who have sought to exploit these tragedies for personal or professional self-promotion. Part of the interview included a question about which restaurants were now banning us because of our public criticism of these events.
For the record: We know of no restaurants that have officially banned us for our temerity in calling a spade a spade.* However, we are most confident that if such establishments exist, they are ones that we wouldn’t be eating at of our own volition anyway. (cf. Andre’s, Alize, Echo & Rig)
Item: USA Today employs hack writer, embarrasses itself.
USA Today — America’s national newspaper– ran an article yesterday purporting to delineate the “10 Best Las Vegas Spots for Foodies.”
It was compiled, no doubt, by some stringer named David McKee. We say “compiled” because the text consisted of verbatim press release blather from each of the ten places listed.
They were, in order:
1) Scarpetta (A chain Italian restaurant)
2) Heritage Steak (A phoned-in effort from a celebrity chef whoring out his name.)
3) Poppy Den (The only place on the list which even has anything approaching unique, interesting, foodie-centric recipes.)
4) La Cave (Foodies the world over are flocking to Billy DeMarco’s “brilliant cuisine.” Haven’t you heard?)
5) Kumi (Just like Yellowtail, only with less quality, lower prices and more bamboo.)
6) Mon Ami Gabi (Have a fount of Francophilic foodie fun at this Paris Hotel mainstay that hasn’t changed its menu in fifteen years!)
7) Sinatra (A restaurant so tired even the reincarnated Rat Pack would find an excuse to fall back and roll over in their graves.)
8) Olives (“….dishes done in Todd English’s trademark touch” struggle to find those tactile sensations when he only comes to Vegas to pick up a check.)
9) Shibuya (Absolutely, positively the number one sushi restaurant in Las Vegas among conventioneers who can’t find any other place to eat.)
10) Some f*cking food truck (….that is no doubt one missed credit card payment away from going out of business)
ELV is tempted to rant and rave further about such drivel being given currency in a major publication, but, truth be told, the above is only further, conclusive proof that the public relations people have won the war against truth and quality. No longer is it important to actually know anything, or have any measurable standards before you get paid for and publish such worthless information. All that’s important is that you regurgitate whatever the flacks and shills tell you to. Keep them happy and their corporate masters will let you slurp at the trough.
Or just go kill yourself, as Bill Hicks suggests.
Don’t worry, the public at large (and your editors) aren’t demanding anything more.
Item: ELV reveals his Top 20(?) Foodie Favorites.
To counter-balance (in a teeny tiny way more akin to pissing in the ocean) the shite foisted upon us by bought-and-paid-for periodicals like USA Today, SEVEN, et al, our staff hereby offers our Top 20 Vegas Foodie Favorites(in no particular order):
3) Sweets Raku
6) L’Atelier de Joel Robuchon
7) Joel Robuchon
8) Guy Savoy
9) Chada Thai
10) Twist by Pierre Gagnaire
11) Comme Ça
14) China Poblano
16) Marche Bacchus
17) Lotus of Siam
18) Julian Serrano
20) Due Forni
21) Chocolate & Spice
23) Art of Flavors Gelateria
We’re sure we’ve missed a few, but equally sure our loyal readers will help fill in our gaps.
Item: ELV heading to Santa Barbara wine country.
On a related subject, ELV will be taking a short, well-deserved vacation for the next few days as he and #1 Son seek some Sideways satisfaction amongst the Santa Barbara wineries — minus the spit bucket, pathetic sex and broken nose.
Translation: by this time tomorrow, we’ll be knee-deep in pinot noir!
À votre santé!
* Anyone who calls a spade a spade should be forced to use one. – Oscar Wilde