ELV note: An enraged reader recently wrote:

Dear Eating Las Vegas,

According to Eater.com, some character named Chumlee from Pawn Stars is now a restaurant critic, and I am flat out depressed about the death of reason and the limitless ignorance of mankind.

So let me get this straight: not only is the fate of our businesses in the hands of idiot know-nothing Yelpers, but now we have a reality show “star” posing as a restaurant critic, and he’s qualified because he works in a pawn shop?

Everything we sacrificed for our whole lives is now put at risk for this and it’s OK?

Time to retire. The war is over. Stupidity won.

Signed,

A Rabidly Enraged and Resigned Restaurateur

ELV responds:

Dear Rabidly Enraged,

How wrong could you be? People are SMARTER than ever. Haven’t you heard?

Our public schools and colleges are teeming with intellectually curious, insightful and highly motivated students….who get these traits from their parents.  NO ONE DENIES THIS!

Pawn Stars is a GREAT show, with a louche, je ne sais quoi appeal tailor-made for the trailer park crowd comprising most of its audience. It has just the right amount of  trivia mixed with history mixed with stupefying family squabbles to appeal to those intellectually challenged by the Kardashians.

Eater Las Vegas (a site whose mimicking of our title and daily bow to our UNIVERSALLY RECOGNIZED TALENT couldn’t be more flattering) is leading the way in raising people’s awareness of great places to eat and those Hemingway-esque writers who report on the Vegas food scene.

Without Eater Las Vegas, where else could we discover where to find the best cupcakes, or what underwear Anthony Bourdain favors?

And your put-down of Yelp both stings and insults. Yelp offers addresses and phone numbers as reliable as any outlet on the planet. Do you live under a rock? Yelpers, though occasionally insane, KNOW WHAT THEY’RE TALKING ABOUT! Just ask them.

As for Chumlee, ELV for one, is ecstatic that we have another critic on the scene who can proffer such “hilarious” (Eater’s words, not ours) and perceptive prose  as: “I….had the burger and fries, which were very good.” (Say what you will about ole Chumlee Austin, but the man can place a comma with the best of them.)

Without Eater, HOW WOULD WE KNOW THESE THINGS?

You, my friend, have MISSED THE BOAT. With a little less cynicism, and a little more faith in your common man, you too can learn to love Big Brother.

With all alimentary alliteration, affectation and affection,

Yours very truly,

ELV