Dear ELV,

I’m in something of a quandary and perhaps you can help. I have been a discerning, Franco-phile, Ital-o-phile, well-traveled, gorgeous gourmand for most of my adult life. But now, after two divorces and a few financial setbacks, I’ve been forced to marry below my station in life. My spouse, though charming in many ways, is meat and potatoes to the core, and thinks an ortolan is some sort of Buick. Fortunately, he happens to also be very rich and promises he will take me to all of those “fancy foreign places” as soon as all of the sub-prime mortgages he invested in start paying off. Can this marriage be saved?


Looking for Mr. Goodbar-Gastronome

Dear Looking,

You have the perfect marriage. He sounds both rich and dumb. IT DOESN’T GET MUCH BETTER THAN THAT!

My advice: Ride that stud’s bank account for all it’s worth. Practice memorizing his credit card numbers whenever he whips them out, then start treating yourself (and ELV) to some “fancy dinners” while he’s out talking with his bankruptcy lawyers. Since he’s probably xenophobic, words like “L’Atelier” and “Gagnaire” would only frighten and confuse him anyway. And by the way, I’d go short on those mortgages if I were you.


ELV (who will gladly accept any free ticket to France, Spain or Italy on any condition(s) placed upon him)

Got a question? In need of advice? Or a travel companion? Desperate for answers, be they about food, marriage or romance? Then send your cards and letters and inquiries to ELV in care of this website. All answers come with ELV’s rock solid warranty: Your dissatisfaction guaranteed or your money back!

1 thought on “Ask ELV

  1. This is where merchandising Julie Child audio cookbooks for him to hear in the car every day comes in handy.

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