MR. DEMILLE, I’M almost READY FOR MY CLOSEUP…
One of the great things about appearing as a judge on Iron Chef America is that you are treated like a big shot for a day and a half in New York City. One of the worst things about it is that you actually have to work at being witty, informed and charming for six and a half hours under the lights, with crowds and cameras present….while eating and chewing. It was more than worth it, but it was also more than a little nerve-wracking.
Read all about my almost meltdown after the jump, or click here to hear about my panic attack at the Food Network studios.
When I emceed the final night of the Bon Appetit Magazine’s Uncork’d food event at the Bellagio back in May, I met several folks from Food Network. One of them, a friendly chap, Senior VP Bruce Seidel (host of the FN Dish — a behind the scenes, weekly web look at Food Network), asked if I’d be interested in appearing as a judge for the upcoming season.
Not being the modest type, I jumped on the invitation like white on rice. Six weeks later, I’m riding in the back of a limousine to my fancy digs in the meatpacking district of lower Manhattan….full of confidence that this will be my shining hour in the food world.
As I’m being ushered to the studios, all I’m wondering is: will I look fat on camera, and what in heck will the secret ingredient be? As you might imagine, there’s a lot riding (in my mind anyway) on the second answer. Because it might be okay for Keyshawn Johnson or Moe Rocca to stumble around the food conversation, but if you’re a professional, the worst thing that can happen is to look or sound like you don’t know what you’re talking about….
So as I sit in the Green Room surrounded by cooking and food books. I’m curious, but comforted by the fact that it reminds me of my library at home. But then, I panic when I realize I’m sitting there, with all these books, in case I need to do some last minute research on some obscure ingredient. In about the time it takes to soft boil an egg, all composure is lost. My mind is reeling. What if it’s vandouvan? or fugu? Or, my worst fear: beets? Or all three? What if they decide to combine all three in special, season-ending episode of stump the chefs and the judges? Yeah, that’s just like that diabolical Seidel… set up the Vegas guy to fall on his face…..just so he and Alan Richman can have a big laugh at my expense…..in front of a few million people.
About the time my flop sweat would fill a stockpot, in comes a nice young gal with a sheet of paper containing some rules, suggestions and the secret ingredient. I’m sure I looked like a beached monkfish as she tried to give me some pointers…but all I could think of was: THAT? The secret ingredient is that? Omigosh…I haven’t eaten that in years….does anyone? What does it taste like? What’s it supposed to taste like? And is someone going to make ice cream out of it?
FYI: Turkey ice cream and parsnip parfaits are not unheard of in these cooking competitions.
In fact I’m still scratching my head when I meet fellow judges Steve Olsen and Andrew Knowlton….and take great solace in the fact that they’re doing the same thing.
Just what is this confounding piece of Iron Chef puzzle, and how do the competing chefs handle it? Well, they did splendidly, but for the specifics, you’ll have to tune in to the Food Network, Sunday night at 9.
Or…
come watch the episode with me at
Marche Bacchus
starting at 6:00.
Call 804.8008
to reserve your spot.
I’m looking forward to watching your close-up Mr. ELV. In fact, I’ve already got the reminder set in the cable box memory.
And while I know you somewhat well, I have just learned something new about you, and something we share in common-is it fear or disgust, both-for beets. My Mother could never figure out why I wouldn’t eat the pickled beets she put on the cottage cheese salad. Almost as bad as her stuffed cabbage.
Anyway, beets aside, I am sure the show will be a rousing success and that Food Network has found a new judge to replace the tired, unfunny comments that come from the bloated Jeffrey Steingarten.
“ELV Comes To Gotham City.!”
I can’t wait to see you on NATIONAL TV!! How exciting! I’ve lusted in my heart for the opportunity to be a judge for ICA, and will just have to enjoy it vicariously. I already record it every week … this will be a very special treat!
And what is wrong and/or disgusting and/or evil about beets??
A roasted beet salad with some feta cheese and microgreens and a little gastrique for sweetness … delicious …
And another question: to what extant were you and Alan Richman both up to no-good? And don’t give me that “pleading the fifth” stuff, John!!!
Once again, to my embarassment, I am reminded of my over-indulgent behavior back in May at lunch with Daniel Boulud. My thirst for many glasses of wine at lunch resulted in being a visibly absent guest at ELV’s appearance at the Grand Gala Dinner at Vegas Uncork’d.
Had I not had too many glasses of Claret at lunch with the Veal Loin and Sweetbreads, I would have witnessed ELV’s “discovery” at dinner. Such is life-one pleasure sated, one denied.
I have committed to avoiding the demons of wine at lunch next year, and I’m going to do whatever I can to get on stage with ELV at the 2009 Bon Appetit Events.
Now back to Iron Chef and your debut on this impressive stage. Have many glasses of champagne at your party tommorrow night-I’ll be toasting you from afar.
Just saw you on Iron Chef America – you weren’t very good – and your website sucks, sorry.
@JustMe: You might want to provide some details and evidence to support your statements for ELV (this Las Vegas food critic … and lawyer). Don’t be surprised if you become OJ’s roommate (or is it cellmate?).
So … what happened on ICA?
You stunk on ICA. The other judges had insightful comments about the flavors and texture of the food they were eating, and demonstrated knowledge of the ingredient and food. All you could say were things like “I didn’t like it” or “This was a mess”. You embarrassed yourself.
You acted like a pompous ass on ICA last night. It was borderline embarrassing watching you critique the chefs. If that’s how you like being portrayed, I suggest you stick to Las Vegas and leave the national scene to the pro’s. You seemed as though you went there with a preconceived notion to be a ‘tough critic.’ If you are going to critique, you better be good at formulating constructive criticism. The only thing you did, was display an adolescent behavior that was not very becoming of a professional. The best part of the night was when Michael Symon put you in your place by saying “I’ll take the guy with the world renowned pallet.” He made you look like the simpleton that you are.
The cretinous lack of discriminating taste shown by these comments only …. oh…uh…there I go being pompous again. But a simpleton? Never!
As most everyone knows, it’s all in the editing of these shows. I certainly was the most negative of the judges, and the editors used my comments accurately and judiciously, so as not to have all three of us always praising everything (a wise move that.) And keep in mind that we had a solid, 5 minutes or so of conversation between the judges on every dish — and they glean out the snippets that prove most entertaining…or controversial. Thanks to all of you (even the playa haters) for watching, and reading and caring enough to write.
Well, I will acknowledge that the editing department probably did just take snippets. So maybe I was a little harsh. I certainly wouldn’t want you to refrain from critiquing. I just thought some of your comments were a little off color and could have been more tastefully done (No pun intended) I think in different cases, you can be more brass when you judge food. In your everyday job as a food commentator, you have every right to be a harsh critic. At ICA, only the most renowned chefs are chosen, they command a little more respect because of their accomplishments in my opinion.
Anyways, I didn’t want to further “the playa hatin” so I thought I would chime in once more. BTW, I too have been known to be a pompous ass every now and then….just ask my wife.
So … the evidence came in and I didn’t hear you say “mea culpa,” John.
And how many were with you at Marche Bacchus? What happened there?
It’s time for me to bolster the BlogMeister here folks and lambasting jury with stealy knives (also my friends in kind ;D)!
Yes, humility is my middle name and shameless my prefix.. Er… to the point.
Unlike many (no I’m not implying I’m a big shot d.e.f..or even.. an m-lister), but I’ve been in the media arena and what John says, as well as many of you have subsequently, and thankfully, recognized is the editors do the montage-surgery-I-mean-fileting of the out-takes.
Similar to any final product (and any perfectionist can instantly sympathize), twice as much time goes into many of the most finite of detail.
Okay: let the ascetics try to flog: but I warn that this armor’s diomand encrusted with biological radiactivity that instant nuc. ice caps and provide generations of future surfers!
YEEEEEHAAAA!
Awesome ideas on this site, thanks. I actually took the plunge and got me some chickens last week! Now I have more eggs than I know what to do with!. You might like these egg recipes.