If you don’t think bad manners and worse dressing are the rule rather than the exception in restaurants these days, then you haven’t been paying attention. So I thought a refresher course in dining do’s and dont’s might be in order for all of you gents (and ladies) who think un-tucked shirttails, baseball caps, visible anal floss and appetizingly demure tramp stamps are acceptable for the world to see in a nice restaurant.
Ladies of course, are also guilty of dressing like they’ve never seen a mirror, and, even when they’re lookin’ might fine, of letting boyfriends and husbands look like slobs when they go out to eat.
Regardless of attire, though, there are certain rules all of us should follow always. Therefore, a gentlemen should always:
-Make reservations;
-Go to the restroom before sitting down;
-Salt and pepper his food after tasting it….and in a truly fine restaurant – not at all.
-Arrive early when meeting a lady;
-Stand when a woman (other than a waitress) approaches;
-Know what he wants to eat within 3 minutes of receiving the menu – because nothing pegs you as a hopeless, metro-sexual weenie faster than ordering envy and menu indecisiveness;*
-Order after his guests do, and;
-Take up issues with food or service discreetly, and away from the table.
As for things a gentlemen should never do, the list is endless. But for starters, a gentlemen never:
-Drinks too much;
-Snaps his fingers or waves a breadstick to get a waitron’s attention;
-Asks a chef to alter his cooking;
-Wears shorts in public – except at the beach or golf course, and finally;
-A gentlemen never, ever criticizes the food, wine, or service to his dining companions. If you’re the host take up issues out of earshot of the table as noted above. If you’re a guest, keep quiet unless asked by your host. If you’re splitting the tab, talk about it away from the table.
If you ladies think you’re getting off with only those few words above – you were sorely mistaken. So pay attention, because a lady should always:
-Be interested in eating, if she agrees to go out to dinner;
-Keep her food allergies to herself;
-Treat the staff with respect, not as servants;
-Make a sincere effort to pick up the check, or at least the tip, on the second date;
-Be willing to try new wines, if she drinks wine;
-Eat only with vegans, if she’s a vegan;
-Know the difference between sexy and sexual. Sexy is a little black dress….but not too little. Sexual is butt-crack jeans and bodacious ta-ta’s. Sexual has no place in any restaurant….No matter how hot you think you are.
And finally, a few don’ts. A lady never:
-Takes more than 5 minutes to decide what to order;
-Pretends she’s not hungry;
-Orders spaghetti and meatballs in a French bistro;
-Gives her number to a bartender in the middle of a date; or,
-Pounds four Glennfidich 30 year old Scotches at the bar ($120) before passing out at the table after 3 bites of a seven course tasting menu ($110) at Le Cirque, after which she has to be propped up as she stumbles through the dining room while mumbling about how great the margaritas were that afternoon that she had by the Bellagio pool with her high roller(?) boyfriend who stuck me with the check.**
<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
* This rule does not apply to middle-aged restaurant critics suffering from a surfeit of testosterone.
** Bitter? Not me.
John-as a fellow alumni of our “Manners Still Matter” club, thank you for pointing out some incredibly important rules of etiquette when it comes to the principals that one should follow when dining out.
I especially liked your reference to those “Appetizingly demure tramp stamps,” which I assume is directed at those silly little un-artistic, whorish stamps of dragons and insects found on women’s bare chests, bare shoulders and bare ankles.
Well-“tramp” pretty much sums it up, and along with the tramp moniker you should add another point on your list of what a lady should always do when dining at a decent restaurant:
-Wear hose. America no longer has the appetite for looking at the bare legs of women who obviously show the bumps and grinds of a day trodding up and down the Strip . You paid $2,500 for that slinky little Armani cocktail dress and you shelled out another $300 for those Prada spikes. (And please, wash between your toes before you force your feet into those too-small high-heels). Now spend the same amount of money on a good pair of nylons and present yourself as the well-coiffed woman you are.
Signed-your old fuddy-duddy, out of touch friend, who longs for the day when men were proper “gentlemen” and women were proper “ladies.”
Thanks for comment David…..As one ped-o-phobic guy to another, I’m consistently appalled by the footwear some people have no trouble wearing in public. The beach (and trudging up and down the Vegas Strip) is one thing, but in a restaurant, most open-toed shoes (and the feet that lie within) are enough to make me lose my appetite.
And to be completely objectifying and sexist about it; there is a certain age at which young women and girls look cute and sexy in bare legs and sandals, and the rest of them simply don’t. And I can’t tell you exactly where that cut-off is, but it’s far south of 30.
I, for one, have never been able to figure out the logic of spending a lot of money for an elaborate tattoo that you can never see because it’s placed over your buttcrack. There’s a rationale there that I’m missing.
Silly me. When I go into a nice restaurant (over $$$ in Las Vegas Weekly), I have a need to dress up. Of course, “dress up” has a completely different meaning now than it did, say, 30 years ago, but I can accept that. While I’m there with my companion, either a nice skirt and blouse or in sleek trousers and a fashionable top, I look around at the sloppy shirts, torn jeans (fashionably torn, of course), flip-flops, baseball caps, and wonder what in the world ever happened to class?
Is slob the new chic?
Thanks Irene….I couldn’t agree more!
Irene-you are so, so right! Slob is not now, nor has it ever been, the new “Chic.”
I shall count both John and Irene in my party the next time I’m in town. We’ll go to one of the “better” restaurants and we’ll show “them” what “class” is all about when it comes to restaurant “etiquette” and the dress one should wear when dining out. Thankfully there are still Gentlemen and Ladies who agree with my old-fashioned ethics.