Dear ELV,

What do you think about food and beverage pricing in Vegas? It’s seems ridiculous. Cheap shitty bar food or decent ethnic or overpriced hotel food where cost to quality is ridiculous. What are your thoughts on this?

Signed,

Fed Up With The Foolishness

ELV responds:

How WRONG you are FUWTF! Our overpriced bar food in this town is NOT shitty. It is the best overpriced bar food in the WORLD. That’s because it is made by CELEBRITY CHEFS who sell their names and brands to these huge hotels in exchange for getting to see pictures of themselves all over town…the town they come to 3-4 times a year because they’re obligated to by CONTRACT!

MONEY DOESN’T GROW ON TREES FUWTF! That cool million (dollars, not pesos) our hotels have to pay some TV star to sully his gastronomic hands in a backwater like ours has to be made up somewhere. And that 5% of the gross they get to pocket (for gracing us with their pictures) has to be paid by someone!  And who better to pay it than those besotted with the AURA of a person who they (those good farmers, cowboys and conventioneers from Kansas) have seen on basic cable TV! They do this without complaint because a) they’re a better person than you are, and b) they understand and appreciate the fact that SOME FAMOUS PERSON had to part with a few, precious recipes that ONLY THAT PERSON could ever concoct in their extreme celebrity FABULOUSNESS.

Everything is priced here to convince the tourists (who, after all, comprise 97% of the Strip’s restaurant revenue) that they are having THE TIME OF THEIR LIVES! And if they pay $20 for the same hamburger they could get in Peoria for $12….IF AND ONLY THEN will they be able to go back to Paducah, or Pottstown or wherever and tell their FAMILY AND FRIENDS how much they spent in VEGAS!

On the liquor and wine front you are equally CLUELESS my friend, but for different reasons.

People like to drink. People with money really like to drink. People who are in the mood to waste money REALLY REALLY like to drink. Are you getting the picture here? Add to this mix the veneer of sophistication* that Vegas trades on and you have a delicious cocktail of pretentiousness and gullibility mixed with guile. Properly shaken (not stirred), it becomes a martini of madness — served by those seeking to exploit and swallowed by those wanting to brag.

Get it now?

You’re welcome.

ELV

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

* Las Vegas isn’t about sophistication; it’s about giving the appearance of sophistication  to those who otherwise don’t have any.