Dear ELV,

Are there any rules for critiquing your friends as food critics?

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Critics are like eunuchs in a harem. They’re there every night, they see it done every night, they see how should be done every night, but they can’t do it themselves. – Brendan Behan

Critics are like eunuchs at a gang bang. – George Burns

A critic is a man who knows the way but can’t drive the car. – Kenneth Tynan

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Since ELV seems destined never to pay for a bite of food at Old Homestead, he approaches this “review” of it with caution, as should you.

This is hardly something new around the ELV offices, as our non-anonymity is now ubiquitous (we even get busted in Chinatown these days). So it is among other critics (in Vegas and elsewhere) as well, but it still gives us pause before we launch into telling you what we really think of a place, since it’s obvious to both of us that the experience we’re writing about will not exactly be yours.

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When it comes to Chinese food I have always operated under the policy that the less known about the preparation the better…A wise diner who is invited to visit the kitchen replies by saying, as politely as possible, that he has a pressing engagement elsewhere. – Calvin Trillin

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While ELV was out of town last week, visiting his ancestral home, he stumbled upon an idea that might be perfect for Las Vegas: Beer Growlers!

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Please understand the reason Chinese vegetables taste so good. It is simple. The Chinese don’t cook them, they threaten them. – Jeff Smith

Dude, I can totally incorporate that into a cocktail…

Chinese food – You do not sew with a fork and I see no reason why you should eat with knitting needles. – Henry Beard

Food is always better eaten in little doleful pinchfuls off the ends of chopsticks, no gobbling. The reason Darwin’s law of survival applies best to China: if you don’t know how to handle a chopstick and stick it in that family pot with the best of them, you’ll starve. – Jack Kerouac

We (the Chinese) eat food for its texture, the elastic or crisp effect it has on our teeth, as well as for fragrance, flavor and color. – Lin Yutang

Happy Year of the Dragon:

…from our staff:

ELV will be traveling today, and unpacking tomorrow and will resume his regular postings on Wednesday.