>Sous vide (Face it: everything has the same texture. I don’t give a shit what Thomas Keller says.)
>Salmon anywhere but the Pacific Northwest
>Boneless breast of chicken
>Kale (Admit it: it sucks.)
>Foam anywhere but a Spanish restaurant
>Scallops (They’re everywhere and no matter what a chef does to them, they always taste the same and they’re only on the menu because little old ladies who are afraid of seafood like them. Of course, if they ever saw a fresh one, they’d run away faster than a politician from an ethics board.)
Face it: Valentine’s Day sucks. It’s the ultimate ginned-up, fake celebration foisted upon American males solely to benefit greeting card companies, cheap chocolate manufacturers and florists. And women. Boy do the gals looooove Valentine’s Day. For men it’s a duty, for women it’s like Christmas, with sex.
ELV note: The last day of the year is a time for reflection, and, for ELV, for getting a cold. Yes, true to form (and by “form” we mean 3 times in the last 4 years) a good ole cold virus has decided to visit us on New Year’s Eve. So, since the appetite is gone and the throat feels like sandpaper, the only thing to do is to cast more pearls of wisdom before our loyal readers. Every year we add a dozen or more aphorisms, witticisms, truisms and apothegms to our ever-expanding fount of profundity, and we now offer them as our gift and our wish for you to have a happy and prosperous New Year. And now, as Boswell might say, back to bed. Happy New Year!
WHAT I’VE LEARNED – 2015
Food is life itself; the rest is parsley. – Alan Richman
Comparison is the root of all unhappiness. – Cicero.
Life is about always having something to look forward to.
Your taste buds are sharpest at noon.
Wine always tastes better in the place where it is made.
Capitalism will eventually cannibalize itself.
Try everything once except incest and folk dancing.
Don’t tell me what the law is, tell me who the judge is.
Three things to avoid at all costs: dinner at a friend’s house, supermarket wine, and amateur musicians.
Santa Claus has it right: visit people once a year.
Andy Warhol got it wrong; now that everyone is famous, no one is.
When I travel, I always keep whiskey handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy. – W. C. Fields
Las Vegas is a city that lends a veneer of sophistication to people who otherwise have none.
The hardest thing about being LGBT is shutting up about it.
The higher you get off the ground, the worse food gets.
The more worthless something is, the more it advertises.
The more worthless an entertainment is, the more award shows it sponsors, e.g., country music.
The cruelest irony of life is once you finally figure it out, you’re too old to enjoy most of it.
Traveling is living intensified.
There are two ways a man knows he’s middle-aged: 1) when he doesn’t want the music to start; and 2) when he sees a woman walking with her daughter and they both look good to him.
You learn more from losing than you do from winning.
Really rich people are never as smart as they think they are. What they know well is whatever made them rich. They are remarkably clueless about everything else.
People who inherit their wealth are the dumbest of all.
Self-made men are the biggest tippers.
Children of rich or famous people are boring because they can afford to be.
Marketing eventually ruins everything.
Chess is the greatest waste of human intelligence ever invented, next to whatever happens in an advertising agency.
Music is all about emotion; movies are about nothing but the manipulation of emotion.
I never wanted to open a restaurant because I never wanted to work that hard.
Hunting is not a sport; a sport is a game the other side knows it’s playing.
Guns don’t kill people, people kill people, but people with guns kill a lot more people.
Never make the mistake of thinking you’re the smartest person in the room, even when you are.
Horse lovers are nuts.
I don’t hate dogs. Dogs are stupid animals. It’s dog owners I can’t stand.
How do you give a German a sense of humor? Teach him English.
Nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Great art makes you think.
Never order wine in a cocktail bar.