John Curtas is …


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The Yummy Phase – The Bane of ELV’s Existence

All things exquisite* are disgusting when you first try them. – ELV

We’ve all been there. You’re at lunch with a group of colleagues, or invite someone into your home for a bite. Everyone’s salivating over the menu or parsing the finer points of your ouefs Escoffier fourée a la Parmigiana when someone (usually a guy) says something like “I don’t eat seafood,” or starts sniffing some unfamiliar dish as if it was designed to kill him. When this happens ladies and gentlemen, you have run smack dab into the “Yummy Phase,” and the socially stunted palate pygmies who are consumed by their childish food fears and infantile eating obsessions.

Adam Carrolla — a comedian possessing a keen eye for social absurdities and truckloads of common sense — rightly explains this retarded reversion (to insisting upon foods that appealed to you when you were ten years old) to a sense of entitlement on par with sitting in a high chair and wailing about wanting more ice cream.

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Michael Pollan’s New Rule

Photo: Ken Light

It’s simple really:

“Don’t buy any foods you’ve seen marketed on television.”

In an interview this week with New York Magazine’s Adam Platt, food guru  (he hates the term, btw) Michael Pollan has this to say about Big Food:

…it’s very hard to stay ahead of the food industry. When I first published Food Rules, I said, “Don’t buy any processed foods with more than five ingredients.” Within a year, there was a Häagen-Dazs ice cream called Five. There was a Tostitos commercial on TV where this woman is buying chips for a party. She picks up a bag and says, “There are more ingredients here than I have guests coming to my party.” And then she reaches for Tostitos, which only has three ingredients. None of them particularly healthy, but only three ingredients. So I added a new rule: Don’t buy any foods you’ve seen marketed on television.

ELV loves this rule, obviously, and thinks it is a perfect companion to:

ELV’s Immutable Axiom (#137): The more a food is advertised on television, the more worthless it is.

Exhibit #1: Coca Cola.

Exhibit #2: Any and all diet foods.

Exhibit #3: American mega-brewed beer.

Exhibit #4:

(Feel free to add to the list in your comments below.)

The prosecution rests.

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