Marco had a great run this week with a string of gems, including:

John is like a vagina; very soft and very sensitive. His palate is questionable and his motives are questionable.

Followed by:

Beyond that John eats for free wherever he wants. If you prefer the opinion of a free-loader who is bias by the amount of ass-kissing he receives then please take everything he says to heart.

And who could ever forget:

Why would John take on an 85-year old women’s opinion? Because he is a 60+ year-old hack lawyer who had more money than brains. He only took his job as a food critic, because he could defend Jesus’ innocents to a room full of hard-core Christians. Old man eat your feedbag and be quiet!

Or:

What is hilarious about John; his articles are written by his 22 year-old (sex partner) flunky. It is John’s opinion (I assume), but the writing is done by another. If you prefer the opinion of a washed-up lawyer with the palate of someone who swallowed a M-80 then please take his articles seriously.

Not to be outdone, not a lawyer waded into the fray with these bon mots:

congrats JC
Juris Doctor
Colonel Sanders style impersonator
DUI checkpoint evader
Old Lady Bully

what else is there?

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>><<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

ELV responds:

Dear (Inexplicably mad) Marco and (There’s a reason you’re) not a lawyer,

Since a question was asked, we feel a need to answer. Not to do so would be impolite.

What else is there, you ask?

So much you don’t even know.

Being a hack lawyer is very time consuming, what with chasing ambulances, scraping the bottom of the barrel for clients and grubbing for leftovers….not to mention handling all those quickie divorces and ticket-fixing. Some days it leaves ELV so exhausted, he hardly has time to service his 22 year old sex partner/flunky/ghost writer.

As for our loutish, drunken, public behavior, all we can say is: apologies have been made and warnings given. After seventeen years of patrolling its restaurants, every owner/waiter/sommelier/maitre ‘d in town knows that when ELV arrives, no woman customer is safe, and no female waitperson is beyond groping.

And don’t get us started on all those luscious, ready-to-be-picked (up) p. r. girls — whose “tit-for-tat” approach to their jobs has been a fertile field for fifteen years, just ripe for an ELV plowing.

Metro, however, remains a problem. Not only are those pesky officers immune to threats of “I’m a restaurant critic, do you want a good review or not?” but they persist in charting our horizontal nystagmus gaze far too frequently. Fortunately, given our wealth, high profile and power (and the occasional contribution to the police protective association), a well-dropped “do you know who I am?” suffices to get us rolling home to nurse that final drop of Maker’s Mark.

Yes, it’s a good gig if you can get it. Eat and drink for free at the finest restaurants in the world, by constantly serving notice (and basking in the glow) of how important you are WHILE SOMEONE ELSE DOES ALL THE WORK! You should try it sometime.

But, an elementary grasp of reality and the English language are prerequisites.

Now, please excuse us while we go find an old lady to ridicule, patronize, and then pretend to love.

Sincerely,

ELV

P.S. You should know that, among his many other fine qualities (and like the fellow in this video), ELV doesn’t believe in calling 911. Attorneys are above such common behavior.