If you have an appetite for life, stay hungry.

You are no better or worse than anyone else. You are not as good or bad as you think you are either. These were the two most important lessons my parents taught me.

What someone thinks about when they masturbate is probably as kinky as they’re ever going to get. (I learned this the hard way.)

The older you get, the stupider sports become.

Fame is a drug.

If you’re not playing them, sports are a colossal waste of time.

All religions start with the cry “Help!”

Golf and sex are the only two things in life you can be terrible at and still enjoy.

Never bet on anything that eats.

Golf  courses are man’s only improvement on nature.

People with no vices have very few virtues. – Abraham Lincoln

All politicians are attention junkies.

I’ve never met a politician I genuinely liked because precious few of them are genuinely nice people.

Quality is diametrically opposed to quantity. – Lionel Poilâne

A man in a hurry should slow down.

Life is a constant struggle between our good sense and our inherent selfishness and stupidity.

Fidelity in men is a matter of options.

Most men are biologically incapable of fidelity to one woman. The good news is they eventually outgrow this.

Even promiscuous women are looking for love. Not so, men.

Hence, we will never understand each other.

Latins are the friendliest people on earth…and the most bat-shit crazy lovers.

Most professional athletes are assholes pretending to be nice guys.

Men are sports fans because it’s the first thing they ever fail at.

All junkies are the same.

The two most destructive drugs are alcohol and nicotine.

That said, cocaine and methamphetamine are the two intoxicants that cause people to do the most unspeakable things. Speaking academically, of course.

Most stereotypes are true.

Confucius say: Bad settlement better than good lawsuit. – Charlie Chan

Men are better chefs and comedians than women.

The French are the best wine makers in the world, but sometimes Italian wine just tastes better.

Anything exquisite is usually disgusting the first time you try it (e.g. Roquefort cheese, oysters and oral sex).

Everyone and everything looked like hell in the 1970s.

Intensifying one’s orgasm can sometimes lead to very complicated situations.

Outside of their professions, lawyers and doctors can be remarkably unsophisticated creatures.

Bad parents can make good children, but the opposite is rarely true.

The saying “all men are created equal” is a crock of shit. If it was true, our education system wouldn’t be a crock of shit, which it is.

If you want to see what a child will be like when they grow up, look at their parents.

If you have to lie, be brief.

The Jews get most things right.

The runaway nun always speaks ill of her convent.

Semites are smart, hard-headed, opinionated, difficult people. If they were less proud of these traits, the world (and especially the Middle East) would be a better place.

Comparison is the root of all unhappiness. – Cicero

Never eat at a place called Mom’s, play cards with a man named Doc, or sleep with a woman whose troubles are worse than your own. – Nelson Algren

The only time I enjoy myself as a lawyer is when I’m in a courtroom.

There are two important things in politics: money…and I forgot what the other one was.

It is fascinating to watch anything being made.

When tradition is compromised, variety proliferates.

Barbecue is like sex, the worst I ever had was still pretty good. It is the only food I can say that about.

Politics is a dirty little game played by marginal intellects scraping for Pyrrhic victories.

Always judge a person by how they treat someone who can’t do anything for them.

Always judge a woman on a first date by how she treats the staff in a restaurant.

Sex is better on drugs…except when it isn’t.

Acting is an emasculating way to make a living.

Women taste like oysters…and white truffles…yet get inexplicably upset when you insist on sipping Chablis whilst chowing down.

Straight men are boring.

Gay men are much more fun to talk to.

I’ve never met a gay lesbian…and that’s a pity.

All men are better at 50 than they were at 30.

The universe freaks me out.

Get over yourself.

The eagle doesn’t hunt flies.

Everyone wants to be noticed.

Beautiful women are lousy lays.

I’ve never had sex with a man, but I imagine it’s the same.

Who wants to be a leg man? I have a pair of legs.

Everyone has an ego that needs to be stroked occasionally.

Get a reputation as an early riser, and you can sleep til noon for the rest of your days.

People love to believe what they can’t see. – Mark Twain.

Country music contains no metaphors — which is why it’s so idiotic.

Rock and roll may be bad poetry, but at least it’s poetry.

Anyone can string words together and call it “poetry” and some schmuck will be astonished by it.

Anything too stupid to be spoken is sung. – Voltaire

Yiddish is the most expressive language of all.

There’s no money in poetry, but there’s no poetry in money either. – Robert Hughes

No one over the age of eleven should make a big deal about their birthday. – Dave Barry

Black people sing better than white people.

They also dance better.

And make better cornerbacks.

Both of my sons are smarter, better men than me. That’s about all a father can hope for.

I wish I had played more golf with my dad.

Sometimes, you break your own heart.

It’s not the size of the ship it’s the motion of the ocean.

All music is about emotion.

All movies are about manipulating emotion.

If I had to do it all over again, I’d advise myself to tough out the tough times, and not seek greener pastures (and more sex) at the drop of a hat.

As a writer, if you aren’t embarrassed by what you wrote a few years ago, you aren’t trying very hard.

I have this theory that 75% of men are pigs and 25% of women are sluts. That means on any given week, both sides are plenty busy.

A critic’s job is to educate, not pander to the lowest common denominator.

Money is just like sex. If you don’t have it, you can’t think of anything else. If you do, it frees you up to think about other things. – James Baldwin

Strippers and pornography only make sense if you’re in a highly elevated state of intoxication. Sober, they’re pretty pathetic.

The law is a racket.

Golf is like a love affair. If you don’t take it seriously, it’s no fun; if you do take it seriously, it breaks your heart. – Arthur Daley

Simple food may be best, but French food is what I dream about.

Death: the final frontier.

My mother has always been my best friend. I’m glad one of my parents was.

A man cannot be too serious about what he eats. – Confucius