I Hate Breakfast

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I hate Breakfast.

Breakfast is a waste of time and calories.

I hate even the idea of breakfast.

Breakfast is good for only one thing: thinking about lunch.

Everything about breakfast sucks.

For one: it comes too early in the day. I mean, who wants to eat a lot of food when they’re barely awake? How well do your olfactories function, or your mandibles munch, when you’re barely ambulatory?

Secondly (and this is, by far, the most important thing): Who wants to eat when you’re not even hungry? I’ve never bought, for once second, that whole “break the fast” stuff that my mom tried to shovel down my throat. No one, and I mean NO ONE, is all that hungry when first they awaken. If you’re a fully-functioning, non-hung-over adult who is rising and shining at the break of dawn, there are only three things you want to do: 1) go back to sleep; 2) relieve yourself and then enjoy a warm or slightly cool beverage; or 3) sit on the iron throne and relieve yourself further of whatever you enjoyed the night before.

The only other thing people want to do in the mornings is watch or read the news — which (next to #3 above) is just about the most unappetizing thing on earth.

No matter how you slice it, consuming food in close proximity to any of these things is the last thing on your mind.

But year after year, from the time you’re a wee one until you’re so old you’re having trouble taking a wee wee, some authoritative voice is constantly shoving the idea of breakfast down your throat even though you don’t want it.

The only thing I hate worse than breakfast is brunch.

Brunch is inexcusable on many levels.

For one, brunch is never about the food. Brunch food is, by definition, even worse than breakfast food –nothing but carbs, fat and sugar, and ten times more of it than you might consume on your own during the week. Brunch is someone’s stupid idea of a weekend, daylight happy hour for people too bad at drinking to do it after dark like a real booze-abuser.

Brunch is populated by three things I loathe: drunk women in groups, bad omelets, and cheap champagne.

Women in groups are the worst — any time you see a group of “fun-loving gals” whooping it up with mimosas in their hands, you know you’re at brunch somewhere, eating one of the 400 different ways a chef can throw eggs and bread together and overcharge for it. It is a scientific fact: the more women you see living it up in a restaurant, the worse the food.

The only thing worse than brunch is brunch with music.

Brunch should be illegal.

Next week: If you insist, I’ll have a couple of brunch recommendations for you.

 

PUBLICUS is Open and Baking “For the People”

ELV note: Several of our loyal readers went by PublicUs today for lunch and found the place closed. Apparently a power outage forced a closure of the premises this morning and, as of his writing, the restaurant/bakery has yet to re-open. We at ELV shall keep you informed.

PublicUs means “For the People” in Latin.

PublicUs — the restaurant — means there’s another good place to eat in downtown Las Vegas. Hashtag: #DTLVEats.

PublicUs — the restaurant — is also a bakery. A bakery that’s baking its ass off like downtown Vegas has never seen before.

PublicUs opened its doors for the very first time at 7:00 am this morning. We were customer #3.

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Breakfast Bonanza(s) by Michael Uzmann

 ELV note: In our world, breakfast is good for only one thing: thinking about lunch. But obviously, others disagree. For that reason, we’ve turned the column over to M. Uzmann today for his discerning delectation in divining these (sometimes delightful, sometimes disgusting) digestibles. FYI: you can access these and other reviews of Michael’s at www.endoedibles.com.

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Special to Eating Las Vegas by Michael Uzmann

Born Catholic in the Midwest during the 1980s Sundays meant one thing, breakfast…after church of course, and although raised middle class in a city not particularly known for anything culinary save for Tony Packo’s it was probably those early years that formed a palate prone to hefty morning meals of pancakes, French toast, and ‘Moons over My-hammy.’ Obviously evolving my palate over subsequent years and having dined at several of the “world’s best,” many still question my choices for breakfasts so heavy in sweets, particularly given my career choice, but still those masticatory memories persist – the result an ever growing list of morning meals to please gourmand and inner-child alike.

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