THE JADED BOOMER RESTAURANT CRITIC

HIS VIBE: Perpetually fascinated and bored by all things gastronomic.

HIS STYLE: Straight from J. Press and Brooks Brothers: Khakis, linen and seersucker in summer; blazers and button-downs in winter, plus the occasional ascot to announce he no longer gives a shit.

LIFE STORY: Status as attorney and six-figure income wasn’t enough, so decided to turn his avocation into the ultimate side hustle. Three wives and four law firms later, still wondering whether it was worth it. Now in semi-retirement, he podcasts (who doesn’t?), rants about no one reading anymore, and otherwise spends his waking hours obsessed with lunch, the ripeness of the Camembert, and idiot influencers.

HABITAT: Secluded Parisian bistros, impossible-to-find Venetian trattorias,  obscure wine bars, recherché sushi parlors, abstruse Spanish steakhouses, with the occasional foray into the French Michelin firmament, even though he’s “been there, done that.” Locally, anywhere the waters part when he enters the room.

WHAT HE ORDERS: Only the classics now: cacio e pepe, steak frites, crêpes fourrées aux oeufs brouillés au Parmesan… the better to see if the chef is “on his game.”

WHAT HE DRINKS: Wines you can’t pronounce made from grapes you’ve never heard of.

OVERHEARD: “Spare me your Michelin starf**king and 50 Best bullsh*t, Gagnaire hasn’t been the same since he left Saint Etienne.”