The Hater’s Guide to Golf

ELV note: The author claims he has been following the PGA Tour since 1966 and once sported a solid 10 handicap. He also said he once shared a smoke with Tom Watson, and played a round with Raymond Floyd — who didn’t bother speaking or looking at anyone for four straight hours. We at ELV think it only appropriate to re-publish it on the first day of that most elitist (and whitest) tournament in the world: The Masters.

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THE HATERS GUIDE TO GOLF
By Seymour Dubsdread

Ah yes. It’s springtime. When a white man’s fancy turns to…..golf?

Yeah, fucking golf. The only racist/sexist “sport” left that gives old, rich  white guys a chubby the same way a large caliber firearm does a redneck. If you’re the sort that gets misty-eyed every time you hear Jim “Whitebread” Nantz give a hummer to the Chairman of Augusta National (behind the lush dogwoods and flowering azaleas, of course) , stop reading now.

But if you see the sport for what it is: a bought and paid for playground for plutocrats in bad pants, then read on. You might be amused.

Why do we hate golf so much, let us count the ways. To begin with there’s…

Golf coaches/Golf gurus/Golf psychologists

Johnnie Carson once asked Winnie (Mrs. Arnold) Palmer:

JC: “How do you get Arnold ready for a big tournament?”

WP: “I wish him luck and kiss his balls.”

JC: “I bet that straightens his putter out.”

These days, you will find lots of balls being licked on the PGA Tour, and two types of people on every driving range of every professional golf tournament in the world – the guys actually playing, and a legion of coaches, flacks, swing doctors, life coaches, Zen masters and gurus of every stripe — all there ostensibly to help the players groove their swing and get in the right mind-set to “compete at the highest level.” You know what none of these frauds and charlatans can do? Actually swing the club for the player in the tournament.

You know who never had a golf coach or “sports psychologist” beside them through every stroke of their career? Hmmm, lets see….

Old Tom Morris

Young Tom Morris

Every golfer who ever lived named Tom Morris

…not to mention:

Francis Ouimet
Harry Vardon
Bobby Jones
Walter Hagen Jr.
Gene Sarazen
Dr. Cary Middlecoff
Ben Hogan
Arnold Palmer
Sam Snead
Byron Nelson
Gary Player
Lee Trevino
Johnny Miller
Tom Watson
Jack Nicklaus

…just to name a few.

Of course, whatever stupid, overpaid, over-coddled “athletes” do with their spare time and money is their own business, but it’s a testament to how corporate, wimpy and overstuffed pro golf has become that an entire cottage industry has developed around supposedly helping them win.

You wanna know how to win at golf? Be good at it already and practice. Alone. A lot. Because when you’re standing over an iron shot or crucial putt on the 72nd hole, there ain’t gonna be anyone there to talk to but yourself. And even if there were, none of them can tell you how hard to hit it.

Continue reading “The Hater’s Guide to Golf”

The Haters Guide to Golf

ELV note: We used to love golf. Grew up on the game. Played all the time in the eighties and nineties. Once sported a solid 9-10 handicap. Once shot an 84 at Pebble Beach (an honest 84), where we played the four toughest holes on the course (8-9-10-11) in one over par. But something has happened to the world’s greatest game over the past ten years and we hardly touch our sticks anymore. And with the exception of the four majors (and the Ryder Cup), we couldn’t care less about the game. This guy’s hyperbolic, profane, prolific prose explains why….sort of.

PS: Why is ELV posting an anti-golf rant on his restaurant website? Because he’s ELV that’s why! Where the unexpected can always be expected!

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THE HATERS GUIDE TO GOLF

By Seymour Dubsdread

Eldrick “Tiger” Woods

Why don’t you take some of your money and buy yourself a personality?

The biggest jerk in sports, by the length of a three-shot par 5. Mike Lupica once wrote: “Most professional jocks are assholes pretending to be nice guys.” Woods doesn’t even pretend. But you’ll never hear this from the flacks and whores in the golf media — who are so far up Woods’ ass they couldn’t see daylight from the 7th tee at Pebble Beach at high noon. Woods is such a sullen, surly dick, he could make Ben Hogan look like Chi Chi Rodriguez. He doesn’t tip (just ask anyone in Vegas), because he “doesn’t carry cash.” Really Eldrick? Really? Methinks a few dozen call girls would testify otherwise. Continue reading “The Haters Guide to Golf”