ELV note: Here is the link to this article as it appears today (in somewhat truncated/adulterated/less colorful form) in the Las Vegas Weekly. Or read on if you want to make things easier (and funnier) on yourselves.


Hawaiian people eat so much white food, it’s a wonder their bowels ever move.

It’s almost as if white were the state color for victuals of all kinds.

Macaroni salad comes with everything. Ditto white rice. Kaluha pig is nothing more than a heap o’ white shredded pork sitting atop, you guessed it, a pile of white cabbage; the state “sushi” (something called musubi) is a giant slab of spam on a giant slab of firmly compacted white rice; and a favorite dessert is ….wait for it…a white (no surprise there) slab of practically tasteless coconut jello/pudding called haupia.

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Hawaiian “Cuisine” Explained!

Barack Obama likes the Hawaiian plate lunch….according to this article in yesterday’s NYTimes. That means he must also like cold, canned meats, eating off styrofoam, and a “plate” of fried mahi-mahi and fried chicken and teriyaki beef, all smothered in brown gravy….yummmm.

Oh yeah…and don’t forget the two scoops of white rice and a heaping side of heavy-on-the-mayonnaise macaroni salad. One Hawaiian quoted in the article thinks “…it’s really funny he still eats plate lunch. Because he’s so healthy.”

The history of these carbo-loaded lunches begins with the pan-Asian diets of Hawaii’s plantation workers in the 1880’s — and probably made a lot of sense if you were working in a field all day, or running for President. If you’re not doing either, you’ll probably end up looking like ELV’s staff.*


* And yes, he does have his own zip code, and his nickname is “Tiny Bubbles.”


ELV isn’t really down with the whole tiki-tiki, Polynesian-pukka thing, perhaps because we read an article years ago by Roy Blount Jr. ridiculing the whole Hawaiian-vacation-thing. (“…and then, we went to a luau..with hula dancers…and they gave us a lei!”)

Yeah, we’ve never had a burning desire to go there and probably never will. Whenever someone suggests an Hawaiian vacation to us or our staff, we always find a reason (and a way) to hightail it to France, Spain, China or Italy. And it’s a good bet we’ll hit Japan before Hawaii, the next time we head west to the Far East.

The way you hit Aloha Specialties is by snaking your way through the smoke and the horrifically -dressed people (many of them from our 50th State), to the second floor of the California Hotel — where you’ll invariably find a line of those folks standing under the “Aloha Specialties” sign. Another sign right inside the place announces “cash only,” so bring a little (you won’t need much), if you want to get a taste of Island living right here in the High Mojave Desert.

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