John Curtas for Mayor


If nominated, I will run. If elected, I will serve. – John A. Curtas

Yes, it’s true.

I’ve thought long and hard about this. I’ve decided to announce my candidacy for Mayor of Las Vegas. The election may be three years away, but if you know politics, you know it’s never too early to start laying the groundwork for a campaign.

Rest assured constituents, I have given serious thought to this and my platform, and after 40 years in Vegas, I consider myself pretty darned qualified to solve most of the problems plaguing our fine city.

My platform is outlined below, and as with all strongly-held political ideologies, it is the product of deep thought, experience, erudition and introspection, most of which came to me in the usual manner: after my fourth bottle of wine at a three hour lunch.

So here goes….

Fremont Street

Exotic entertainers — whether posing as flaming-ly gay Batman, or Diaperman, or a 77 year old in a slingshot bikini — have made Fremont Street such a pleasant stroll for kids of all ages. I say it’s high time we embrace them as symbols of our resurgent city:

Street performers test limits in Las Vegas, L.A. and New York - South Florida Sun-Sentinel

Downtown Re-gentrification –

Downtown is a rapidly re-gentrifying area where your morning latte or artisanal pizza is often interrupted by a boulevardier either asking for money or doing something far less appetizing.

Somewhere, these flaneurs got the idea that they have the CONSTITUTIONAL RIGHT to intrude on my sight lines when I’m parsing the distinctions between a ‘o9 Nuits-Saint-Georges, and a ’15 Savigny-les-Beaune. (THIS IS UNACCEPTABLE.)

Therefore, I hereby propose the following solution, which some of the hoi polloi might resist, but I’m told could be a handy-dandy remedy:

soylent-green-riot-truck(Get off my lawn!)

Am I a genius or what?

Red Light District

Mormon Missionary Positions — Neil DaCosta(Saved!)

Oscar was all for it and so am I. Prostitution needs to legalized and we need to put our bordellos directly behind the Mormon Church on West Charleston. This will kill two birds with one stone: souls will be saved left and right (see above), and sister-wives will be given another option.

Open Carry

Not only do we have the right to carry high-caliber firearms on our persons at all times, it should also be mandatory. If elected, my first ordinance will be to require all citizens to strap on if they want to reside within the City Limits. This will have many benefits: safety, security, and looking like a badass being primary among them:

Photo credit Talking to me?)

Defund the Police

With every citizen being heeled to the max; cops will become as obsolete as drug laws. I for one, am looking forward to citizens of all stripes enforcing zoning ordinances from behind the muzzle of finely-crafted, cold hard steel.

Speaking of drugs…

Free Drugs!

melissa etheridge smoking GIF by #ActionAliens(Dottie’s, here I come!)

Why not? Las Vegas was built on the free cocktail, why shouldn’t some grandma loosing her paycheck at a slot machine be given a toke or complimentary line of crystal meth to keep her going? You think conventioneers spend more when they’re drunk, just give ’em a free hit and watch the gambling drop increase geometrically. (NO ONE DENIES THIS!)

Happy Endings for Everyone!

Think about it. You’ve had a hard day at the office. The wife’s out of town, or you’re conventioneering with 10,000 of your closest Consulting Actuaries friends. After a long day of plotting withdrawal liabilities and DC Retirement Income Options, you decide a little stress relief is at hand.

Lucky for you, there are plenty of ladies out there to lend you one. (“You want me touch you there? You pay twenty dollar more.”) It’s high time we celebrate these hard-working lasses for the public service they perform. If you think it’s easy working night and day, stroking flacid, flocculent, flabby egos over and over and over again until they erupt in a flow of gratitude, try it sometime. (WAIT. WHAT?)

Taxes –

I am totally in favor of taxes, as long as I don’t have to pay them.

Drinking in City Hall –

No longer will it banned; it will now be encouraged. Government workers are the unsung heroes of our nation — dealing with everything from stop signs to skyscrapers to getting cats out of trees. These people need a break, and a drink.

Poverty –

People have told me that poverty exists and this has caused me great distress. Not the poverty, but that people keep telling me about it.

Education –

Let the record show that I am 57% behind public education of your snotty-nosed, imbecilic little rug rats.

Woke Political Correctness –

Will be strictly enforced. Everyone at City Hall will henceforth refer to everyone else as “it.”

In conclusion, my fellow citizens, it is obvious we need new leadership around City Hall. Leadership not afraid to tell the truth about the issues facing us. The truth about war, inequality, pestilence, budgetary constraints, and where to find properly chilled vintage champagne.

More importantly, I will never lie to you. My priorities as your mayor will be up-front and firmly established:

Ego satisfaction

Personal Comfort

Pocket Lining


So please plan on casting your vote for John A. Curtas for Mayor of Las Vegas when the time comes…and in the meantime, help me find some hardworking, underpaid, illegal immigrant to drive me around in my new ride (paid for by the taxpayers, of course)…


…preferably someone with big tits.

Hot Hostessing 101 – Just Grab Them By The Pussy

Let’s face it: There’s no reason to go to a restaurant unless you want to bang one of the hostesses.

Who gives a shit about the food? Who cares a fuck if the chef is busting his or her ass?

We want skin, baby!!

ELV (the man, the myth, the inveterate horndog) is often asked, “ELV, do you sleep with ALL the hot hostesses you feature on this site?”

To which we must modestly admit, “No, just most of them.”

Why do you think we started this blog NINE YEARS AGO TODAY? For the free food? (Well yes, that WAS a reason, but mainly it was for all the free trim we knew would be getting.)

And you know what? It was more fun (and easier) than shooting monkeys in a barrel.

Because here’s a little secret…shhhhh…don’t tell anyone….but the young women of the world are hopelessly, helplessly, devotedly IN LOVE WITH THEMSELVES, and with the slightest provocation (or a promise to put their picture on your website), they immediately start doing something like this:

IT’S TRUE! Based upon scientific evidence that is yet to be discovered, all it takes is a posted picture (and a promise that she’ll be famous) to get a young woman hotter than a greased pig in July.

Of course, we didn’t know these things on April 1, 2008. But it didn’t take us long to figure it out. (If nothing else, ELV is a very fast learner when it comes to separating women from their clothes.)

It also helps to be a very well-known local celebrity (like ELV is) so you can buffalo these gals into all sorts of things based merely upon the promise that they might appear on this website.

Turns out Donald Trump was right: when you’re famous, pussy grabbing is easier than beating Michael J. Fox at jenga.

But let’s get back to basics, shall we?

Just what is an essential quality of hot hostessing?

Well, it helps to always be hot….and thirsty:

Then of course, liking to hang out with horny, rotund older men is also a prerequisite.

A love of ginormous, oversized jewelry helps:

…as does an affection for small, furry creatures:

…and fur in all its forms:

It’s also essential to show your cleavage at all times, even if you don’t have any:

…and to eat as few carbs as possible, even if that means finding other means of sustenance to get you through the day:

Finally, above all, Remember, when applying for a hot hostess position (or trying to keep your job as one), that the two operative rules are “no fat chicks,” and “tight butts drive me nuts.”

One final caveat: Young ladies you must, at all times, pretend to like food:

…even if you don’t know what it is, and you end up smelling like fish.

All you budding hot hostesses out there can thank me later.

We know you’ll figure out how.