Hot Hostessing 101 – Just Grab Them By The Pussy

Let’s face it: There’s no reason to go to a restaurant unless you want to bang one of the hostesses.

Who gives a shit about the food? Who cares a fuck if the chef is busting his or her ass?

We want skin, baby!!

ELV (the man, the myth, the inveterate horndog) is often asked, “ELV, do you sleep with ALL the hot hostesses you feature on this site?”

To which we must modestly admit, “No, just most of them.”

Why do you think we started this blog NINE YEARS AGO TODAY? For the free food? (Well yes, that WAS a reason, but mainly it was for all the free trim we knew would be getting.)

And you know what? It was more fun (and easier) than shooting monkeys in a barrel.

Because here’s a little secret…shhhhh…don’t tell anyone….but the young women of the world are hopelessly, helplessly, devotedly IN LOVE WITH THEMSELVES, and with the slightest provocation (or a promise to put their picture on your website), they immediately start doing something like this:

IT’S TRUE! Based upon scientific evidence that is yet to be discovered, all it takes is a posted picture (and a promise that she’ll be famous) to get a young woman hotter than a greased pig in July.

Of course, we didn’t know these things on April 1, 2008. But it didn’t take us long to figure it out. (If nothing else, ELV is a very fast learner when it comes to separating women from their clothes.)

It also helps to be a very well-known local celebrity (like ELV is) so you can buffalo these gals into all sorts of things based merely upon the promise that they might appear on this website.

Turns out Donald Trump was right: when you’re famous, pussy grabbing is easier than beating Michael J. Fox at jenga.

But let’s get back to basics, shall we?

Just what is an essential quality of hot hostessing?

Well, it helps to always be hot….and thirsty:

Then of course, liking to hang out with horny, rotund older men is also a prerequisite.

A love of ginormous, oversized jewelry helps:

…as does an affection for small, furry creatures:

…and fur in all its forms:

It’s also essential to show your cleavage at all times, even if you don’t have any:

…and to eat as few carbs as possible, even if that means finding other means of sustenance to get you through the day:

Finally, above all, Remember, when applying for a hot hostess position (or trying to keep your job as one), that the two operative rules are “no fat chicks,” and “tight butts drive me nuts.”

One final caveat: Young ladies you must, at all times, pretend to like food:

…even if you don’t know what it is, and you end up smelling like fish.

All you budding hot hostesses out there can thank me later.

We know you’ll figure out how.