We”ve had it. We are done. Finished. Fin. Finito. Kaput. Over and out. Die ende. Sfarsit (Romanian). Wakas (Tagalog) and isigcino (Zulu) with Mesa Grill.

And no matter how many of you tell us how “awesome” or “interesting” or “tasty” it is, we’re never believing you again.

Because you are wrong.

Because we’ve now eaten there at least ten times and never had anything (except the excellent burger and the cornbread pudding) that was the least bit spicy, intriguing, or compelling from a foodie-point-of-view.

And the “spicy” chicken hash was the last straw…containing as it did, minimal “spiciness” and being bereft of chicken.

We know this because we picked through all those potatoes in the hash whilst furiously fishing for flotsam flecks of fowl flesh and infuriatingly finding figments of fugaciously few.

The difference between youse guys and ELV is: we at ELV feel it’s our duty to go back to places that have disappointed us, whenever a friend or colleague (or perhaps just someone with a strong opinion) tells they “really like” a place that we don’t.

So back and back we’ve gone, again and again, hoping against hope that Boy Meets Grill Boy will show us something.

Anything.

And what we always get is a bunch of tepid, uninspired, barely “spicy” “creations” that are bland or boring or both.

If you really want interestingly spiced food, at a fraction of the price, we suggest going to Los Antojos…or Los Molcajetes, or Salvadoreno Cafe, or Border Grill, or Frank and Fina’s, or….or….

Or if you just want to bask in the absentee aura of a Food Network God, and pay $70 for lunch (no booze) like we did last week, keep your trap shut the next time we’re around each other.

Or until Bobby finds some inspiration.

But don’t hold your breath.

MESA GRILL

In Caesars Palace Hotel and Casino

3570 Las Vegas Blvd. South

Las Vegas, NV 89109

877.346.4642

http://www.mesagrill.com/lasvegas/

Nothing about this place is as great as its reputation.

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So offended is Eating Las Vegas by these goomba-centric, faux tough guy ads:

[slideshow id="370" w="" h=""]…promoting Steve Martorano’s restaurant in the Rio as “Italian Food You Can’t Resist,” that we at ELV are inspired to, yet again, write even more (bad) haiku:

Irresistible

food says Stevie and p.r. folks.

Resistance easy.

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Last week, Mad Man Mancini (aka Al Mancini) — Official Friend Of ELV and restaurant critic for Las Vegas CityLife magazine — sat down with us (accompanied by a tape recorder) by the Mandalay Bay pool to discuss the impact Top Chef (currently filming in Las Vegas), has had on the quality of restaurants and cooking in America (and whether its show will be good for Las Vegas). Short answer: Yes indeedy

Click here to read a couple of critics talk about this (and other weighty matters affecting the televised culinary world) in the erudite, learned, incisive and philosophical tones for which they are known.

ELV doesn’t mean to start him no scandal, and he counts as his friends and respected colleagues both the executives and officers of the James Beard Foundation, but many of the James Beard Award winners of last night gave him and his staff pause for reflection — not the least of which is Momofuku Ko (a restaurant that no one has dined at) winning Best New Restaurant in the entire nation for 2009. For if ever there was an example of food writers and voters voting for a place based only on hype, this is it.

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Last night at its annual awards banquet, the James Beard Foundation announced it was dispensing with all future categories and henceforth, would be condensing its awards to a single, three foot, rotund statuette of its founding father, and would collectively award it each and every year to every New York City restaurateur, chef, writer, broadcaster and editor in the New York food media — so that they could all, continually, bask in its brilliance and career-enhancing powers.

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Bar Jamon (ham bar) is a tiny tapas bar near Union Square. Vegas has nothing like it. 20 tapas, 3 Spanish hams + a 24 page list of Spanish wines. ELV has just been told Molto Mario doesn’t want pictures taken in his restaurant(!?). Apparently he thinks he’s Paul f*cking Bocuse — who, by the way, doesn’t mind photos of all kinds being taken in his eateries.
That being said, his Manteca w/ bouquerones (toasted baguette with pork fat, sundried tomatoes and pickled sardines) is a religious experience.
And caramelized pumpkin with Mahon cheese? Who knew?

ELV has maintained for years that Vegas is the most expensive restaurant city in America.

Further proof (as if any is needed):

A three-course lunch at Cafe Boulud in New York City (one of ELV’s favorite restaurants in the world), now runs $24 — or roughly the price of an appetizer at most Wynn restaurants.

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These “Kobe” sliders (served in the bar at Charlie Palmer Steak) were so bad they almost defy description, but ELV will give it a try:

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We want to like Mario Batali’s restaurants (all three of them in the Venetian). We really do. We try to ignore his less-than-appetizing appearance, celebrity status, high prices, and the overwhelming mediocrity of the food….but sometimes, it’s just hard.

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