There are probably a few dives and badly-run mom and pops out there who cook a cheaper, more tasteless product than Five Guys, but for sheer, over-hyped, under-seasoned and un-melted blandness, nothing beats this bastard:
So devoid of beef or burger taste was it, that ELV and the Food Gal® immediately high-tailed it across the street to Smashburger:
….which follows the same smash-grilling template as FG (originally popularized by Steak ‘N Shake, btw), but grinds and grills a hamburger that at least seems to share some DNA with real beef.
We wouldn’t be heaping all this opprobrium on a paltry burger if Five Guys hadn’t ridden into town a few years ago haling itself as the second coming of the cheeseburger. But two recent trips there (yes, we are gluttons for punishment in the name of keeping our burger street cred), confirmed that it is popular for the same reason waste dumps like Firefly are: price. Five bucks gets you two patties of burger-like protein, and that’s enough to satisfy the hoi polloi.
Its fans may be many, but its flavors are few, and if you keep your eyes wide shut while you’re chewing one, ELV guarantees you will not be able to distinguish a single wisp of even the vaguest steak flavor. Go ahead, we dare you….
On second thought, just like its owners, don’t give the taste of Five Guys a second thought. And why waste a dime here?
Instead, if you’re in the Lake Mead and Buffalo area, cruise on over to Marche Bacchus for this pantheon of protein:
…or traipse a few miles south to Hualapai and Charleston, where a Poshburger pretty awaits your mastication.
But if all you care about is cost*, then we suggest some frozen sliders from White Castle.
Anything but Five Guys.
2620 Regatta Drive.
Las Vegas, NV89128
9921 West Charleston Blvd.
Las Vegas, NV 89506
(You’re on your own, sucker**.)
* In all the world there is nothing that some man cannot make a little worse and sell a little cheaper, and those who consider price alone are this man’s lawful prey. – John Ruskin
** see above