ELV isn’t really down with the whole tiki-tiki, Polynesian-pukka thing, perhaps because we read an article years ago by Roy Blount Jr. ridiculing the whole Hawaiian-vacation-thing. (“…and then, we went to a luau..with hula dancers…and they gave us a lei!”)

Yeah, we’ve never had a burning desire to go there and probably never will. Whenever someone suggests an Hawaiian vacation to us or our staff, we always find a reason (and a way) to hightail it to France, Spain, China or Italy. And it’s a good bet we’ll hit Japan before Hawaii, the next time we head west to the Far East.

The way you hit Aloha Specialties is by snaking your way through the smoke and the horrifically -dressed people (many of them from our 50th State), to the second floor of the California Hotel — where you’ll invariably find a line of those folks standing under the “Aloha Specialties” sign. Another sign right inside the place announces “cash only,” so bring a little (you won’t need much), if you want to get a taste of Island living right here in the High Mojave Desert.

Normally you couldn’t get ELV into the California with a shotgun, a ransom note, and a promise of free D.R.C. ’59. But where readers and listeners suggest, ELV goes (within reason, of course), even if it’s stretching things to ask him to walk into a place filled with folks like this and this.

Once you find this little slice of Honolulu tucked into an upstairs corner, you’ll have to wait patiently in that line, read from the menu board beside it, and then order, pay, and get a number to take to whatever seat you can find. This can be challenging at peak times, which is why you should go for a late lunch or early dinner, i.e. between 1-6 PM.

If you’re not acquainted with Hawaiian food, be prepared for the following:

> Lots of Spam;

> Lots of white food (Hawaiians like white, washed-out looking food so much, it’s a wonder their bowels ever move);

> Weirdly named stuff (like Ocha-Zuke and Loco Moco. Say what?);

> Bland macaroni salad with everything;

> Lots of rice (that white-food thing again);

> Really, really bland tasting stuff;

> Gigantic Spam sushi, and;

> Assorted other oddities…like many dishes accompanied by sides of rice and macaroni salad…and poi (see below);

> And did we mention all the white food?

Get past those, however, and you will find some mighty good grub here. Korean chicken is announced as “spicy” on the Specials Board, but is only mildly so. Nevertheless, these boneless thighs are crispy, juicy delights — full of the chicken flavor that gets lost in most white-meat preparations. Likewise, Kaluha pig with cabbage may not look like much (that white-food thing again), but is a succulent mix of just what it says it is. Ocha-Zuke are bento-box meals containing everything from pickled vegetables to grilled saba (mackerel) to that Spam thing again. Many of the component parts of Ocha-Zuke may be an acquired taste, but they’re mighty tasty just the same.

Loco Moco is a hamburger with a fried egg on top of….you guessed it: even more rice! Even if you’re no fan of gloppy, brown gravy, you’ll find yourself strangely attracted to this dish — a guilty pleasure of a carbo-bomb if ever there was one.

Less worthy is the fried saimin; dry-fried wheat egg noodles tossed with strangely limp and tasteless char siu (barbecued pork), which contains actual slices of celery — the closest you’ll get to a green vegetable with any of this food. Equally limp and flavor-free is haupia — a white (no surprise there) jello/pudding-like slab of (slightly) coconut-flavored dessert.

Neither of these non-starters should deter you from a trip to Aloha Specialties. Once you place your order, the food is prepared to order by cooks who are proud of their adherence to these culinary classics of island culture. If nothing else, it’s a good place to get your Hawaiian food education. …and most of the food — despite appearances to the contrary — is lip-smackingly good.

Best of all, there’s no poi to be found among the hoi polloi.

Aloha Specialties is open from 9 AM-10 PM every day. Nothing on the menu is over $10.

ALOHA SPECIALTIES

In the California Hotel

12 East Ogden St.

Las Vegas, NV 89101

702.382.0338